Season 3 Episode 7 - Storm
by fanningon
Summary: Seventh episode of a 8 episode season 3 fanfic. Please read episodes 1 (Change), 2 (Worlds), 3 (1997), 4 (The Calm), 5 (Thunder), and 6 (Lightning) first. If you can, read it with the suggested music. Cheers m'dears


_'To Wish Impossible Things' by The Cure_

Linda breathed in the salt air. She felt the warm sun on her skin. She didn't know where Karim and Aiesha were. She trusted that he was looking after her. So she didn't worry.

She sat down on the sand and watched the waves gently lapping at the shore.

Since Aiesha had been born there'd been a lot of noise in her head.

Her entire world had seemed to fall apart; everything was so grey, so bleak.

Things that had been easy had become so difficult.

And Aiesha had cried a lot at first.

And all the drama with Rae and Finn and stalking. It had been too much.

She hated herself, but she was glad when Rae was at Finn's place. It was too much to handle.

She had smiled through the deep fog that surrounded her life.

She had defended her baby girl Rae as much as she could; but in the end that had been delegated to Finn.

Finn, a boy she wasn't even sure she could or should trust with Rae.

"I have failed my girl." Linda said to the ocean feeling a tear drip on the back of her hand.

She hadn't even been present; even when she'd been sitting there. The fog wrapped around her and made her mind be somewhere else. Somewhere blank.

But blankness was preferable to the moments when her mind would race and she couldn't quieten it down at three in the morning, lying awake, exhausted in bed, next to her beautiful husband.

A beautiful husband she had had no desire for since Aiesha's birth. Some reservations after giving birth were to be expected, but this was too much. She knew she should want him. And sometimes she felt a muted glow in the pit of her belly when he touched her.

It just felt like this would never end. That all memories of happiness were fading and disappearing and there was only this endlessness. Endless nothingness inside.

"What's wrong with me?" The waves washed ashore unaffected by her words. "I should be the happy."

She wondered if she had done something to make this happen.

If she deserved it.

She felt Karim sit beside her. She looked over at Karim's brother, taking Aiesha into the water carefully.

"I love you." He said softly to her and put his arm around her. She nestled into his embrace, feeling calmer than she had for months.

"Can we stay here longer?" She asked wistfully and he nodded his head.

"I call Rae. Tell her." He said and stroked her hair. "When get back, you see-"

"I don't need a therapist pet." She dismissed his words, darkness seeping into the spaces between them. He had been asking her for weeks to see a therapist.

"You see therapist." He said firmer. "Because I love you." Linda looked up at his earnest face, "Helps Rachel." He explained.

Linda watched Aiesha cooing and wriggling in the water, held protectively by Ahmed. Karim saw where she was looking and waited for her to look back to him. But she didn't look back to him, her eyes got lost in the endless ocean.

"You love me. Rachel. Aiesha." He whispered to her as she looked out at the water. "Come back to us." She turned her face to him, "Please." He touched her face, "See therapist." He kissed her gently, aware that his brother wouldn't approve of such public displays.

"Alright." She suddenly realised that the idea of seeing someone about this terrified her. It made it all more real. She tried to take a deep breath to steady herself but found that her lungs felt blocked up with anxiety. "What's wrong with me?" She asked in a small, childlike voice; her fear heartbreakingly clear to Karim.

"Nothing." He soothed her carefully, "just depressed." He used the word Rae had taught him.

She settled into his arms properly, enjoying the sun on her skin, the ocean sparkling in the light, Aiesha's coos and Karim's love.

She closed her eyes feeling almost peaceful, and rested.

_'Reptile' by Nine Inch Nails_

Rae made a small whimpering sound of terror as she felt his hand close on her breast squeezing it hard. She closed her eyes, but found that closing her eyes made her focus sharply on all the places he was touching her, made her hear the way her breath was whimpering in and out of her lungs. She snapped her eyes open and focussed on the dog outside, now pissing up the fence.

She was scared to even breathe; she knew that the knife pressed against her neck was sharp; it had cut through her necklace chain with ease. She had seen a knife that Karim owned that cut through beef bones easy enough. And biology and television had taught her enough about how fragile the neck area was. She knew with painful clarity how clearly her life was dangling at the whim of this man.

She could feel his breath on her neck. She felt his hand find its way under her shirt and squeeze her other breast hard. Her whole body was shaking with fear, but she dared not make a sound.

"D'you know what Rae?" He whispered in her ear, "People always underestimate me."

The tip of his tongue just barely grazed her ear and he groaned. She held her breath, he whole body tense, disgusted, horrified.

"D'you know why that is?" He asked her, his lips brushing against her neck. She had to stop herself from shuddering in revulsion, afraid that any movement would result in the slicing of her neck.

"Let me hear your pretty voice." He hissed. "Answer." He commanded immediately after, his hand squeezing her breast so hard she cried out in pain, eliciting an appreciative sound from him.

"I don't know." Her voice cracked and wavered.

"Me either." She could feel his cock growing hard, sticking into her buttocks through their clothes. She had to repress a sob, but tears still soaked her face.

"I always think it's because of the company I keep." He switched his hand to her other breast and fumbled to get his fingers under the material of her bra.

"Please." She whimpered as his hand found its way onto her soft skin.

"Ooooh." He sighed, she felt him take a deep breath and sigh in appreciation as his fingers found her nipple. She sobbed, keeping herself as still as possible.

"Please." The word barely left her mouth, her vocal chords seemed unable to give voice to her pleading.

"Maybe it's my habits. Or the way I speak." He licked her neck and she sobbed loudly, making him groan in response, his cock stiffening even more.

"Unbutton your top." He ordered her as he removed his hand from her bra and grabbed her hair roughly. Rae couldn't move, she shook with fear and watched the outside world, wishing she had made it out the window.

"Unbutton your top!" He commanded aggressively.

"OK!" She cried. Rae lifted her shaking fingers to the top button of her shirt and fumbled with the button.

"I don't think you got to know me properly Rae."

"I'm sorry." She pleaded with him as she undid another button, her fingers barely able to cooperate.

"Are you sorry Rae?" He twisted his fist in her hair and she cried out.

"Yes!" Her voice was strangled with pain, her neck extended up as he reefed at her hair, she felt the blade moving on her neck and cried loudly. "Please!"

"Are you sorry?" He bit her neck softly, tenderly, sexually and that was far worse than the pain. He took the blade off her neck slightly and sobs wracked her body as soon as the blade was no longer pressed against her.

"Yes." She answered through her tears.

"UNUBTTON YOUR FUCKING SHIRT, YOU WHORE!" He roared at her when her fingers stopped moving. And she cried out in fear.

"Alright!" Her whole body was tense, shaking her fingers began to fumble with the buttons again.

"Because you want this don't you?" Rae cried as he used her hair to nod her head. "Say it Rae." He said with a sadistic pleasure.

"Yes." She barely whispered.

"I've seen you. You're not the girl I thought you were." He said suddenly angry. The knife was against her throat again. "Why him Rae?" She was crying too much to answer, her fingers scrabbling with her buttons, her terror so complete that she was sure she was going to die here in her bedroom while people were jogging down her street below. He grew impatient and reefed his hand roughly from the tangles of her hair; ripping some from the roots. She clenched her teeth, holding in the cry of pain this time. Her mind was starting to scramble for a way to survive this. He reached down and brutally tore open her shirt. She gasped in fear and surprise. He dragged her towards the mirror on her wardrobe door.

He spent a long time looking at her in the mirror, his body pressed against her back. Rae saw the knife pressed against her neck, saw his hand on her stomach, saw the look of desire in his eyes. She could see that the knife had slightly cut her neck and a small drop of blood was slowly travelling down her neck.

"Take your shirt off." Her chest heaved with huge terrified breaths, but her body was starting to shake less, her mind was oddly calmer now. Being able to see him, to see the knife; it made her feel like she had some sort of control. Part of her knew that this wasn't true, but she ignored that voice and focused on the calm feeling, on the idea that she could create a plan to escape. She slipped the shirt from her shoulders slowly, not wanting to make that knife press against her throat any harder.

_'Don't Dream It's Over, by Crowded House_

Finn decided to finish up when Chop did, even though he'd been late and he'd missed his tri-sets. They pulled the tape from their hands, Chop complaining that he'd cut one of his knuckles, and headed to the showers.

It was nice at this time of the morning, there weren't too many people around and the quietness always made them work out harder.

"So how do you get Rae to be so up for it all the time?" Chop asked as they turned on the showers.

"I don't." Finn admitted, "I think that's just her!" He turned to put his back under the water, "I been right lucky there." He grinned but then thought about it for a moment, "but she's been more keen for sex since I made a real effort to constantly tell her how beautiful she is." Finn realised.

"It's just…" Chop paused, "at the moment Izzy's not right in the mood." He turned to face away from Finn. "And I wouldn't mind really… it's just." He made a frustrated sound, annoyed at his inability to say the right thing. "With all this stuff…" He shrugged, trying to hide his emotion. "I just thought we had time. To you know, fumble through it all… Figure shit out." He cleared his throat and leaned his arms on the top of the opposite wall, his head down, his shoulders rounded. Finn looked over at him, biting the inside of his cheek, trying to think of something he could tell Chop.

"When Rae's a little angry at something, nothing serious, just you know… riled up a little… and the way her cheeks flush is doing to stuff to me," Finn thought about the way she looked when her cheeks got pink with frustration, "And I want her badly… I try to do stuff to take her mind of it and put it on me and what I want to do to her." He picked up the soap thoughtfully, "it don't always work, mind. But if I tell her about what I want to do and how sexy she is and tease her a little bit, and spend some time just slowly touching her body, I can usually get her into bed. But sometimes she right determined to be angry, and it just make it worse!" Finn chuckled, thinking back to the times that had happened. "She so sexy when she angry." He marvelled, "as long as she not angry at me!" He adding laughing and Chop chuckled, his mood lifting. They showered in silence for a while, Chop's mood slowly falling again.

"I don't think I've made Izzy…" He stopped looking away. Finn sucked his bottom lip and looked the other way. "I just need to do this for her before… oh fuck." Chop took a deep breath, close to tears and looked everywhere but at Finn.

"It's not an easy thing to do." Finn said softly. "I never got there with Olivia." He reminded Chop, sharing the embarrassment. Chop nodded.

"It's not like I weren't trying… not like I didn't kinda know… it's just… she seemed alright with how things were. And she kinda shy." Chop exclaimed, "It's not like she'll talk about it or tell me what she likes."

"That does make things harder." Finn sympathised.

"I just thought I had time to figure it out." He said, ashamed.

"You still do."

"I heard Izzy's doctor saying to an intern that it weren't common. She told us to our faces that it were."

"Probably trying to comfort-"

"So I went to the library. Fucking hate that place." He looked down at the floor, "looked it up. 80% of kids who get it will survive."

"That's not a bad number."

"40% o' adults." Finn felt like he had been punched. He didn't know what to say to Chop's anguished face.

"She'll survive it." He said, his insides not as confident as he made his voice sound.

"And the chance of relapse…" Chop wiped angrily at the tears in his eyes.

"Chop." Finn caught Chop's eyes and held his gaze steadily. "Izzy is going to survive this." He said slowly, forcefully. Chop nodded.

"I know." He said sounding unconvinced. "But I just keep thinking about all the things she wanted to do with her life. All the things we've never done together. The future we wanted." Finn didn't know how to stop this train of thought for Chop.

"Alright." He said suddenly, deciding that the best thing to do was to return to what Chop had started with; to give him something to focus on. "You want a fail safe way to make her cum." Finn didn't look at Chop, didn't see him slightly nod his head. "Go down. Wait…" Finn paused, "start at the beginning Finn." He told himself, "In public, tell her you're gonna do it, tell her you're gonna make her cum. Make her wait for it." Finn tried to think of what made Rae scream the loudest. "Touch her in public, tease her with it." Chop took a deep breath and nodded.

"Is that what you're always whispering to her?"

"Not always." Finn grinned. "But a lot o' the time." He admitted, "Then when you're finally alone, don't do it right away. Long slow kisses. Kiss her mouth, then her body, touch her, especially along her sides. That's what Rae likes. I dunno about Izzy but it's a starting point for you." Finn took a deep breath, deeply uncomfortable about going into so much specific detail but knowing he had to, "then when you get to her bits. Don't kiss 'em." He saw Chop's incredulous face. "Just kiss her thighs and her belly, slowly get closer, but don't do it. Kiss her with your mouth wide open, move your tongue slow over her skin." Finn closed his eyes, remembering in detail everything he did. "Be conscious of what your hands are doing, make sure they're touching her right." He thought about how Rae reacted to him doing this to her, "when she starts to get frustrated, like she really want it, then you can give it to her. Sometimes I make Rae beg for it."

"Get the fuck out." Chop shook his head.

"Aye she's done worse to me!" He grinned, happy to see that his plan had worked, giving Chop something to focus on, something he could achieve had taken his mind off the fact that Izzy had less than a 1 in 2 chance of surviving. Even if it hadn't let Finn forget it.

"That saucy minx." Chop said with less of his usual exuberance.

"Oh aye." Finn agreed, "When you start licking, do it slow. You'll have to pay attention to Izzy, see what she likes. After a bit o' that, start fingering her. Um…" He took a deep breath, Rae would kill him if she knew how much detail he was going into. "Rae's got a sensitive spot right, a couple o' centimetres inside at the front. I found it by accident, just paying attention, you know. If I give that a little rub while I'm licking her, she cums so hard." Finn shook his head in admiration of the orgasms she had, "so you know, do that, and when she starts to breath heavier, that's when you get faster." Finn looked over at Chop who was slowly nodding his head. "You keep doing that till her body shakes and she moans and stuff, keep going while she's shaking till she stops you. Then, you know, have at her. If you're lucky, she'll cum again."

"Izzy gets embarrassed about me being down there. Like it's terrible for me. She worries that I don't like it."

"So make her not worry." Finn answered with a shrug, "Tell her how much you want to be down there, tell her it tastes good and you love doing it. Keep telling her till she believes you." Chop looked off thoughtfully. "Tell her how much you want to do it, in public, how you been thinking o' the way she tastes. Whisper it to her while you're eating dinner with her parents. Let her know it's always on your mind." Finn nodded when Chop looked over at him.

"Alright." He said with a small smile, "I think I can manage this."

"Course you can." Finn said as if it had never been in doubt. "And we never had this conversation, cos Rae'd fucking kill me for telling you all that stuff." Chop grinned.

"Alright." He looked up at the ceiling, "can't do much while she in hospital but." He sighed.

"When she get out?"

"This course finishes just afore Easter."

"Maybe the gang could head out for the school break." Finn mused.

"Can't go to Sutherland, me family'll be there for Easter."

"We'll think o' something."

_'Spiel Mit Mir' by Rammstein_

He took the knife from her throat and stepped back to allow the shirt to fall to the floor.

"Don't move." He ordered as he took another step back to look at her. Rae took a deep shuddering breath and she saw the way his eyes watched her breasts raise. She wanted to cover herself. Her eyes flicked to the door. He was between her and the door.

"You looking to get out aren't you?" He ran the knife down her arm. "Try it." Rae looked back at the mirror and slowly shook her head. "Go on." He laughed, "Run for the door." He took another step back, "I'm not stopping you." Rae swallowed hard and turned towards the door.

He brought his hand up with a ferocious force and back handed her across the face. Rae stumbled from the force, her hands impulsively snapping up to her face. Her body shook as she wept, her cheek hot and painful, her lip split and bleeding.

"Are you gonna leave me?" He asked in a gentle, kindly voice. Rae looked up and him and shook her head slowly. "Not gonna walk out that door are you?" She shook her head again, not able to get her crying under full control. "But I'm disappointed that you thought about it Rae." He said in an angry tone. "What makes you think, that you get to choose to not be with me?" He looked at her as she cried. "ANSWER!" He barked at her and she jumped, crying out in fear.

"I dunno!" She wept, "I dunno. Please don't hurt me."

"Don't hurt you?" He said with disgust, "do you know what it's been like watching you whore around with that fucking pretty boy?" Rae shook her head at him and he grabbed her hair and the back of her head violently, and pulled her upwards by it until she was on her tiptoes, crying in pain. "You hurt me bad Rae!" He put the knife tip under her eye. And looked at her crying face, "Don't tell me not to hurt you when all you've done is hurt me."

"I'm sorry!" She cried, "Please. I'm sorry!"

"Sorry you gave it up to someone who can't want you like me?" He ran the tip of his knife down her face, down her chest, between her breasts and down to her stomach. "I hear stab wounds to the stomach can take a long and agonising time to bleed out." He said thoughtfully. "I read a fair bit more than you'd think." He explained as if he was talking about his best baking tips. Rae whimpered as he pressed the tip of the knife against her stomach, the sharp end piercing the skin. She gasped as he drew the blade across her stomach lightly, leaving a painful cut. She started to cry with terror as he turned her back to the mirror and she saw the blood starting to drip from the cut.

"Oops." He put his mouth to her ear again and left the knife over her stomach, the other hand he reefed from her hair painfully again and ran it down her back.

She shook violently from sobbing and fear but she felt his hand settle on her back.

"Look at this fat roll." He said with a mixture of disgust and admiration. He squeezed the side of her back were a gentle roll naturally formed. He squeezed it hard and she gritted her teeth and held the cry of pain in this time.

"Who'd have thought that a big girl could be so fucking sexy?" Rae felt a strange sense of shame as he stepped back again and looked at her appraisingly. "But you are by far the sexiest girl I've ever seen." His eyes crawled all over her body and Rae felt violated by his penetrating glare. She so wanted to be covered. But she stood there in her bra and sweatpants, unable to move for fear of what he'd do to her.

"I had no idea I could want you so much when I first met you." He pulled his hard cock out of his pants and Rae wanted to look away, but knew better than to move. A sob of anguish and revulsion left her throat. "See what you do to me." He groaned with desire and pressed himself to her back again. "I'm gonna have so much fun with you." He murmured like a lover in her ear. "We've both been so patient, waiting for each other." She could feel his bare cock against her and she closed her eyes feeling sick. He reached his hand up and stroked her hair tenderly.

"No more waiting."

_'Here Comes The Sun' by The Beatles_

Finn usually ran hard on the way back from the boxing joint. But today he was enjoying the sun and the scent on the breeze; it seemed like spring was coming early, and he could feel it in the air. So he took a more leisurely jog, enjoying every step he took as he headed back to Rae's place, eager to see her again. He thought about making love to her and then maybe just relaxing for the morning; they'd probably hit the books in the afternoon after their session with Kester.

_Sounds like a perfect day._

Finn jogged past a few stores and pulled up short. There was the cutest stuffed elephant with a bright orange bow around its neck in the window of one. He thought instantly of Aiesha and checked the opening hours. He looked down at his watch, it was quarter to eight and the store didn't open until nine.

_I suppose I could grab some breakfast and wait for it to open. Give Rae a bit of a sleep in. _

He looked up and down the empty street and looked back at the elephant in the shop window, trying to make up his mind. He moved closer to the window and looked in. The store had a wide variety of knick knacks and antiques and books. On the counter he saw a stand with a lot of antique looking hair combs. One in particular caught his attention, it was silver filigree with several emeralds embedded in the design skilfully.

_She'd love that._

_That settles it._

He looked back down the road for a place to get some food and hang around for an hour. He was just starting to walk away when he saw an elderly man step up to the door.

"Hi." Finn said to him, "Is this your store?" He asked and the man turned to him slowly.

"I suppose you want me to let you in early?' The old man said crankily as he unlocked the door.

"Oh… um… no it's ok." Finn answered guiltily. "I just…" he shook his head. "I'll be back at 9." He grinned and started to turn away.

"Don't be daft." The man said angrily and motioned for him to go in. Finn tried to not look too confused as the man complained bitterly about people making him let them in early and walked into the store. The elderly man walked to the counter never stopping his soliloquy about annoying customers. Finn watched him for a moment and turned to the window to pick up the elephant. There was a hand drawn price tag.

"Only a pound?" He asked confused. He looked the elephant over, it was plush and fat and cute. He squeezed it to see if it was filled with nails or something that would explain why it was so cheap. He shrugged when he could find nothing wrong with it and went up to the counter. He looked at the silver and emerald hair comb and picked it up, checking the hand written price tag.

"5 pounds." He said, "Very reasonable."

"They're probably not real emeralds."

"I figured." Finn replied. "Why's everything so cheap?"

"We're a charity store. Everything's donations. Everyone working here volunteers. All money goes to local homeless people." He said it all as if he hated the world and wanted it all to burn. Finn looked at him incredulously.

"Oh." Finn said and looked back at his 2 purchases. He pulled his wallet out and looked in. "Here's a tenner. Keep the change." He took the elephant and the comb and left before he heard too much more of the shopkeeper's grumbling. He looked down at the comb and imagined Rae wearing it.

"Good choice Finlay." He grinned and put it carefully in the front pocket of his gym bag, the elephant he carried, not wanting to put it in with his wet towel. He looked back down the road at the place that did those bacon and egg sandwiches that Rae liked so much. He grinned and headed for the café; he could see them putting chairs out already.

He'd noticed that Rae's taste in sandwiches changed quite rapidly, one week tomato and gherkin with peanut butter would be all she'd eat on a sandwich. The next week it was marmite and cream cheese. Then the next week it might be something normal like jam. Just jam.

This week she was mad about these egg and bacon sandwiches from this particular café. He went in and ordered, grabbing the newspaper and sitting down while he waited for them to be cooked. He skipped forward to the arts section, he knew that there was an interview with Janice about the arts centre coming up and he'd been looking out for it for weeks. Janice thought they'd run it near the Easter holiday, but that didn't stop him looking. It wasn't there, but he read an interesting opinion piece about Britpop being dead.

The cook called his name and he went over to pick up his sandwiches. He left the shop yawning and thinking about spending the day with Rae. He really couldn't recall a time in his life that he'd been happier than he was with her.

He hadn't realised how down he was, how bored with life, until she came, and she was everything he needed. In so many ways she was like him, and every time he realised that it made him feel complete somehow. He knew that every time he thought about Rae he'd grin stupidly like he was right now, and he didn't care if anyone saw him looking so idiotic.

He was halfway up the road when he realised he'd forgotten the elephant. He jogged back and grabbed it.

"Can't forget you." He said to it as he picked it up waving at the cook again as he left. He sped up, walking a bit faster and crossed the road.

"Finn!" He turned around to see Olivia crossing the road to meet him.

"Oh hi." He said awkwardly. She hugged him and kissed his cheek, he awkwardly only half returned the hug.

"I thought you were in Leeds!" She said excitedly.

"Oh, um. No I came back."

"That's great! We should grab a drink together or something?" She smiled winningly at him.

"No, I don't think so." Finn stuttered. All the shame he felt for the way he had treated Olivia rose into his throat and he looked down at his feet.

"Oh come on Finn! We're both adults, we can have a friendly meal!" He started to reply but a loud ringing sound came from her bag. Finn looked perplexed, but she just smiled apologetically and reached into her bag, pulling out a mobile phone. Finn frowned at it thoughtfully; he didn't know anyone who owned a mobile phone and he hadn't really seen one up close before. He looked down at the bag of sandwiches and held them up to her.

"Gotta go!" He said, "Food's getting cold."

"Hang on a second." She said down the phone without saying hello. She looked back at Finn, "I'll give you a call about that dinner date, yeah?" She nodded and smiling dazzlingly before talking on the phone, "Hello? Oh hi Patty." Finn knew that Patrice was her sister. She wasn't getting off that phone any time soon so he couldn't correct her. Instead he smiled tightly as a goodbye and left.

He walked several metres feeling as though he'd taken a blow to the head. But why hadn't he expected to see Olivia around? Of course he would eventually see her. He took a few deep breaths to get that meeting out of his system and thought about Rae again, slowly the smile started to creep across his face again. He started to jog back to Rae's house so the sandwiches would still be warm by the time he got there.

_'Wish' by Nine Inch Nails_

"My whole fucking world has been filled with you." He breathed into her ear. Rae watched his lips near her ear. "I've wanted you for so long. I've watched him touch you when it should o' been me." His hand touched her bare stomach carefully, tentatively and he watched the way his hand moved over her skin in the mirror. His fingertips leaving a trail of blood as they traced over the cut. Rae felt disgusted by his hands on her skin, she looked away, not wanting to see it, but being unable to move her head, she could still see his hand moving over her in her periphery.

She tried to imagine herself somewhere else because she knew what was going to happen.

This body of hers. This body she was only just learning to revel in with Finn was going to be ripped from her. It was going to be devoured and used by someone who was not invited in. He was going to make her hate this body in a way she'd never dreamed of. He was going to make this body not her own.

She tried to make her mind check out of the situation, tried to make herself not be here for this event. This destruction of everything she'd been building up.

He stood behind her looking at himself touching her in the mirror.

The first time she'd ever liked her body in any small way, it had been Finn standing behind her, watching himself fuck her body in the mirror.

She felt a sob escape from her, she so wished she could stop feeling her body as his hand moved across her skin.

"Look at me touching you." He commanded in a husky voice.

Rae didn't want to. She didn't want to see his hands on her body. He pressed the knife against her throat harder and the threat was obvious. She turned her eyes back to the mirror, she saw her clenched mouth, blood on her lips, quivering with fear and stifled sobbing, she clearly saw his hand moving back towards her breasts.

Breasts that Finn loved, breasts that he practically revered, breasts that she had been starting to enjoy. She hated the way his eyes focussed on them, hated the way his hand felt slipping in between her bra and her breasts, hated feeling his fingers on her nipple.

He squeezed her nipple until she winced with pain through her clenched teeth. He groaned happily.

"Pain suits you almost as much as fear." He kissed her neck, his mouth open wide, his tongue slowly dragging across her skin. He took as much of her breast into his hand as he could and squeezed it as hard as he could, Rae cried out in pain and he laughed.

"Pain looks real good on you."

She pleaded with her body to just go numb. Begged her mind to just go somewhere else. But she was more painfully present in the moment than she'd been with anything, other than making love with Finn.

Making love with Finn was the only other thing that she stayed so present in, the only other thing that made her mind focus on the here and now, the only other thing that made her body feel every single touch in absolute tingling clarity.

But now her body was feeling everything in absolutely terrifying clarity. And her mind focused on the here and now as the last moment in time that her body belonged to her and to her pleasure. Because he was making it his. And she felt her inside crumbling; how would she ever come back from this?

She felt a moment of heartbreaking understanding for Chloe before her mind wouldn't let her focus elsewhere for any longer. A tiny moment of being away from this before being plunged back to the feel of his mouth on her neck.

She felt his fingers pushing under the hem of her pants, heading down to her vagina.

"You love to cum don't you?" He asked her lustily. "Answer." He commanded. He pulled the knife off her neck and showed it to her, "answer me or I'll slice your fucking neck open and fuck you while you bleed out."

"Yes." She said, her throat wanting to close up, her lungs threatening to stop working, her heart thudding in her ribcage. She sobbed again.

"Shhhhh." He stroked her face with the back of the knife, "shhhh baby, it's ok, I'd never hurt you." He rocked her slightly, one hand down her pants, the other holding a knife to her face, "Not unless it were sexy." He gave her a huge reassuring grin. "I love you Rae." She stared at his face, horrified by hearing him say those words to her. "Tell me you love me." She nodded slowly to placate him as she tried to make her mouth form those words. Words she had delayed saying to Finn. Why? Why hadn't she told him? Now she would die, or if she didn't die, she would became a shell of herself, unable to be touched by anyone. And she will have never told him that for one moment in her life she was happy and in love. For one moment she had been free with him. But all of that was ending now.

"I love you." She made herself say.

"I knew you did." He said, sounding oddly relieved. "You was just playing with me. Making me jealous." She averted her eyes from him again as his fingers found her clitoris and started to brutally, painfully rub it. She gasped with pain and he groaned again.

"You're all the stars in my sky." He said to her, gently kissing her neck. "I'm gonna make you cum." He whispered in a way that she suspected was seduction for him. "I know how much you want it."

How could he not feel how tense her body was, how did he not see that she didn't want this, didn't want him to touch her? How did he not see the look of terror on her face? He took his fingers from her pants and smelled them.

"Nice smelling cunt." He giggled joyously, "I knew it would be." She felt the blade move against her cheek and resisted the urge to move her face away; she knew he would punish her for pulling away in any way whatsoever.

"But I don't just love you for your cunt Rae." He said earnestly. Rae was confused by how quickly his intent changed, "d'you know I remember every single word you ever said to me?" He smiled, "you're so funny." He put the knife against her throat again and she whimpered, he put his other hand on her face.

"Who wouldn't love this face?" He said to her reflection, "Look at those eyes." He pointed, his finger coming close to her unblinking eye, "there's gold in them. Did you know that?"

"No." She answered before he had a chance to threaten her.

"I see it cos I love you. And I paid attention, people think I don't. They underestimate me. Think I'm dumber than I am." A thought finally came to Rae; a helpful thought.

"I don't think anyone thinks you're dumb." Her voice sounded tiny coming from her mouth. She'd had to work so hard to get her mouth to say it. She felt the blade pull away from her neck slightly.

"That's my baby girl. Defending her man." He stroked her hair and she had to stop herself from wincing with disgust. Get him onside, get him to lower the blade, run. That was her plan. She was not dying in this room.

_'Doll Parts' by Hole_

Chloe sat on the bench in the sun. she closed her eyes and raised her face to the light and warmth. Spring was coming early this year.

Her mind started to work over what Archie had said to her about the gang going away for Easter holidays and how they should make it a tradition to go somewhere together for holidays. She thought it was a brilliant idea. Finn would do whatever Rae wanted, and Chloe knew Rae would be up for it. They just had to find out if Izzy and Chop would be up for it. And that depended on Izzy's health. She looked up the footpath, waiting for him to appear like he always did on a Saturday morning. Strolling along the river. She saw a couple of teenaged boys, probably 18 or 19 years old looking at her with interest. She felt her arms cross over her chest, her hand going to her throat, pulling the material of her shirt up. One of the guys nodded at her as if to say hello and she looked away, wishing that Kester would get here soon.

The lad that had nodded at her came and sat down beside her.

"Hey." He said cockily.

"No." She returned without looking at him.

"I just want to have a chat."

"And I don't." Chloe said, hugging herself tighter.

"C'mon, don't be like that." He persisted.

"I just wanna sit here and enjoy the sun uninterrupted." She turned to look at him, "and would you look at that, I don't get to get what I want. So I guess you don't get to get what you want." She turned away and tried to not let her frantic inner thoughts show.

"There's no need to be a bitch about it." He said as he got up and walked away.

_People always call me a bitch._

_But I don't see how that was bitchy. I didn't give him any indication that I wanted his company. _

_Why can't men just leave me alone?_

_I just want to sit here. Why is there always some dick trying to get in my pants?_

She felt someone sit down beside her, smelt the unmistakeable odour of men's deodorant and turned angrily to tell whoever he was to fuck off.

But it was Kester smiling happily at her.

"Hey." She said, he anger instantly gone.

"Hi stranger." He grinned, she returned the smile. "So how's the week been?"

"Shite." She said honestly. "Izzy's so sick. I'm still in love with Finn. Chop is falling apart but trying not to show it. I'm worried Archie's in an abusive relationship and Rae has so many guys after her I just don't even know what happened! One minute I was the one to be jealous of, and now it's her." Chloe shrugged, her body starting to loosen up after the confrontation with that boy, "I sound like an infant don't I?" She shook her head in disgust with herself.

"Not at all." Kester shook his head slowly.

"I just want to go back to how it was before all of this." She looked down, "I don't mean that I want Rae to hate herself again, I mean for me, not her. I want things to go back to how they were for me. I want to be adored and to like boys again and… not have this ache in me."

"Tell me about boys."

"I had a moment a few weeks back now."

"The football match?" Kester said as he pulled out his cigarettes and lit one up.

"Yeah, were I was right proper turned on. They was so fit. But since then, nothing."

"I think that's fine. It takes time to want to be touched again." He reassured her.

"I know." She said slowly, "But I keep thinking that maybe I don't want to be touched cos I can still feel their hands on me. And I need to get their hands off me afore I can enjoy being touched again."

"What's happening when you feel their hands on you?" He turned his face to her but kept his body facing forward. He had learned that Chloe was not comfortable with men approaching her squarely; it felt too confrontational to her, too threatening.

"It's all the time Kester." She looked at him, "will it ever stop?" She asked in a small pleading voice.

"Are you feeling them right now?" He asked with a calm voice.

"No." Chloe said, "Not now."

"What's different now to all the times you do feel it?" Chloe looked into the distance as she thought about it.

"You make me feel safe." She said slowly. Kester pulled his ear and licked his lips.

"So I think we need to work on ways to make you feel safe as often as possible, until you feel safe much of the time." Chloe turned to him, looking at his kind face.

"Thank you for doing this for me. I don't even pay you. Getting free therapy." She tutted at herself.

"Not therapy." He reminded her, "just two strangers talking." He smiled, "so what makes you feel safe."

"No chance of sex happening." She smiled and turned back to the river, "kindness. And Rae." She thought, "and my bedroom. But sometimes when I'm alone for too long I feel them again, even in my room. But then if I'm around people too much I worry I'll feel those hands on me and I panic and it gets so tiring."

"Well let's just work on one of those things. Kindness."

"You're gonna tell me to be kind to myself again." She fidgeted with her fingers, "I do try to not hate myself." She sniffed, "but how could I go back there. It's my fault." She shook her head, "I know you'll say it's not. And I'm trying to stop thinking that way. But I just feel like my body is a crime scene. A crime scene that I have to keep carrying around with me everywhere I go. I feel like there's chalk in me hair from the outline on the floor around my dead body." She wiped away a tear and took a deep breath, "I feel like if I could get away from the crime scene I might be able to sew up these wounds. But the crime scene is in me. It's me. It's the wounds. And I have to sew the crime skin into my skin… into myself. I have to make the chalk-line a part of me." She looked at him, "how do I do that? How do I turn a chalk outline of my dead body… the dead body of the old me… into a part of the new me…?"

_'Do You Love Me' by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds_

Rae watched the blood from her stomach drip down to the waistband of her pants. He was smelling her hair, the knife still not touching her neck, but she needed it to be further away from her before she tried anything.

"I thought I'd just fuck you. But you wouldn't let me." He whispered. "It made me want it more." He stroked her face, "But it wasn't until you came for that slut Chloe that I realised that I had to have you." He held her chin, digging his fingers into her cheeks forcing her mouth open, he put a finger in her mouth and groaned. "You was so strong, so powerful. I had to own you." He put a second finger in her mouth, moving them in and out, his eyes transfixed by the movement. "Had to listen to me twat mates give you crap while I slowly realised what a top bird you was; how much I wanted you to belong to me." He ran his fingers along her lips, "It weren't until Chloe said you had a lad that I started to watch you, and I saw you with him… what a surprise that was. But you was just doing that to make me jealous. Clever Rae." He smelled her hair, "It worked." Saul squeezed Rae's split lip and she winced, "So I waited till he let his guard down, and I came for you." He hooked his two fingers over her lower tooth and moved her head side to side, using her chin as a kind of handle. "And now I control you." He breathed gleefully. "I told you I always wanted a piece of a big girl." He kissed her shoulder. "Now reach back her and wank me." He whispered. Rae held her breath, desperately not wanting to touch him. He licked along her shoulder to her neck. "C'mon Rae, I want you to touch me." He put the knife against her throat again. "You wanna touch me." She nodded slowly her insides churning as she reached behind herself and felt his throbbing cock with her fingers. She balled her other hand into a fist as he groaned. She could barely move so she just let her fingertips touch him, not wanting to take him into her hand. She tried to stop the look of disgust on her face. Tried to just look neutral. She didn't want to die.

"My big girl." He breathed, his lips dragging along her shoulder repulsively. "I'm gonna take you to me house. And you're gonna be mine forever."

Rae's heart started to thud as she realised that her real hope of getting out of this was fast fading away. Finn coming back from the boxing joint was her only real bet of escaping. She couldn't get out her window because he was in the room with her. The back door was dead bolted and so was the front door. Even if she got down stairs she'd still have to scramble with keys to get out. If he took her somewhere else, there'd be no Finn coming home.

But then, wasn't that better? No Finn to get stabbed by an enraged Saul. She decided in that instant that she needed to get him to take her now. To protect Finn. She grabbed hold of his penis with one hand, her short nails biting into the palm of her other hand as she clenched it tightly. He groaned lustily as she started to roughly jerk him; the angle, his penis wedged between her back and his stomach, it made it all so difficult, but she knew she had to do it. If she could make him cum, he'd focus on getting her into his car and Finn would be safe.

Finn leaned on the front door as he finished his cigarette. Linda made it clear that there was to be no smoking in the house. Even Karim was forced outside to smoke. Aiesha reigned supreme in this home.

He stubbed the cigarette out and rummaged his keys out of his pocket, unlocking the front door and entering the house, fumbling with his bag, the food and the elephant. He headed straight for the kitchen, intending to come back and lock the front door after he'd put all his things down.

Finn stopped suddenly and turned back to the lounge room, the television was on the floor. He furrowed his eyebrows and turned back to the kitchen, the window over the sink was open.

The house was eerily silent as realisation rushed toward Finn.

He dropped everything he was holding and ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

Finn crashed into her room, and saw him, his back to Finn, Rae stood in front of him. He could only see her arm and part of her back, but he could see the tension and fear in the way her fingers were balled up. Finn could see that Saul was focused intently on Rae and had not even noticed him. Finn recognised him as the guy from the fair. The guy Rae had walked away with… Finn knew that this was the same guy that had tried to rape her. And now here he was, touching Rae, against her will. Again.

Finn had crossed the room in secnds, and taken a huge swinging punch at Saul's head, his fist connecting with his jaw. Saul's head rocked sideway and he fell away from Rae, the knife in his hand slicing along one side of her throat.

She gasped as she felt the pain in her neck.

Finn looked down at Saul, his cock hanging out, blood on his fingers, the knife falling from his hand as he fell unconscious. Finn looked down at Saul's cock and understood what he had been doing to Rae, revulsion rose in his chest and he kicked Saul hard in the stomach, before he turned to help Rae, to see blood dripping from her neck.

"No." He realised what had happened. She snapped her hands up to the wound, her eyes on Finn's reflection. He turned her around and put his hand over hers; putting pressure on the wound. "Oh my god." He panicked. "Rae, what do I do?" He saw blood on her stomach, blood coming out of her mouth. He had no clue how badly she was cut, if all of this blood was from the one wound. He looked around her room for help and saw her phone.

"Come on." He said urgently as he sat her down on her bed, and reached out with one of his hands for the phone, keeping his other one over her hands, over the wound. He saw blood on his hand and looked back at the wounds.

"There's so much blood." He whispered to her, his whole body shaking. She shook her head at him, but he was looking at the phone again.

Rae's whole body was shaking with relief, with fear, with shock. He was here. He had come for her. And he was ok. Saul hadn't stabbed him. Finn had won.

She felt faint, she felt nauseous, but mostly she felt safe.

Finn fumbled with the phone and finally called 999.

"Which service do you require?" He heard the voice on the other end of the line.

"Ambulance. And police." He said frantically. "My girlfriend's throat's been cut." He said in an urgent, panicked voice, "the guy who did it is still here." He added.

"I'll put you through to the ambulance services."

As soon as the phone was picked up Finn gave the address and said that Rae's throat had been cut.

"Is she still conscious sir?"

"Yes." Finn answered.

"Keep pressure on the wound and don't let her move."

"Don't move." He said to Rae.

"Is she breathing ok?" Finn looked at Rae, she seemed calm, lucidly watching him.

"Yes." He answered.

The person on the other side of the phone started to ask another question but Finn didn't hear it. He felt a strange pressure on his side and turned to see Saul grinning sadistically at him. He felt a strange feeling tugging at his inside and looked down to where Saul was touching him. He heard Rae crying loudly, heard the voice on the other end of the phone.

"FINN!" She screeched as his eyes focused on the handle of the knife sticking out of his side. He'd forgotten about Saul.

With a huge grin Saul pulled the knife out and stood up shakily, Finn looked down at the blood slowly spreading across his shirt. He felt nothing.

He stood up to face Saul. Rae was crying.

"Keep pressure on your wound." He said without turning to her. Finn felt strangely focused as he watched Saul wave the knife at him. He stepped forward, dodged a knife swipe and grabbed the wrist with both hands twisting the arm painfully until Saul dropped the knife. He kicked it away and turned to punch Saul hard in the face. First one punch then another and another. Saul threw his arms up to defend himself but Finn grabbed them both and pulled them down, so he could head butt Saul brutally. Saul felt to his knees and Finn punched down onto the top of his head.

A dull burning throb in Finn's side was starting to make concentrating hard. He kneed Saul in the face and he fell back onto the floor, gurgling up at Finn through a broken nose.

Finn stood over him and put his foot across Saul's throat. He saw the fear on Saul's face and felt a savage satisfaction as he pressed harder. Saul's fingers scrabbled at his shoe, trying to get Finn's foot off his throat.

"I could kill you, you know?" Finn said, and he heard Rae crying behind him. "They'd call it self-defence." Finn pressed harder looking into Saul's eyes as he struggled, desperately wanting to breathe. He watched the fear in Saul's eyes grow, dispassionately, wanting him to suffer.

"But you get to live today cos I don't want Rae to see that." He didn't take his foot of Saul's neck. "But if you come near her again. I will kill you. Do you understand me?" Finn asked dangerously, his tone like ice in Saul's ears. "I will kill you and they will never find your body."

Finn leaned down and punched Saul in the temple hard, knocking him out again.

He turned to Rae, an agonising pain burning in his side now, he felt quite unsteady on his feet but he saw that she was still ok and he thought he might be hearing distant sirens. He fell to his knees in front of her, angling his bloody side away from her so it wouldn't scare her. He put a hand back up to her neck and applied pressure over her own hands.

"Your exes are gonna be the death of me girl." He said with a faint smile. She gasped with fear and leaned down to kiss his lips frantically.

"He stabbed you." She cried.

"I'm fine." Finn shook his head, "Don't worry. You stay still, keep pressure on your wound."

"I'm fine." She answered. Finn felt his body starting to shake, a strange panic was rising in him and the pain in his side was almost too much to hide from her. "Finn?" She whispered, tears making her voice hitch in her throat. One hand on her neck, one of his hands covering it, applying pressure, her other stroked his face as if she'd never see him again, and he stroked her face too, his fear for her intensifying the panic rising in him.

"I love you." She said, tears streaking down her face. Finn felt his breath catch in his throat as he listened to her words, his heart filling with love for her. "I love you." She repeated. "And I don't mean in a pants-shittingly terrified, 'you just saved my life and I'm worried that you're bleeding too much' kind of a way. And I don't mean in a 'you're me mate' kind of a way." She took a deep shivering breath, 'I'm mean that I am in love with you." His eyes dropped to her mouth and then went back to her eyes, his fingers tangled in her hair, the other hand still applying pressure to the wound on the side of her neck. "When I say I love you I mean that I'm so in love with you that I can't see anything but you. There's nothing without you." The pain in Finn's side was incredible now but he forced himself to focus on her words, on her. "When I say I love you, I mean that I see that future, you know the one we're all s'posed to do; the one with that stupid white dress and vows and squawking little Aieshas of our own driving me up the fucking wall, and sex in the kitchen on Sunday mornings before the kids wake up. I see everything when I see you. I love you Finn. I love you." She couldn't stop the words from leaving her mouth now. She saw a tear fall from his eye. "I've been deeply, insanely in love with you for months now. And I haven't said anything cos I were afraid. And then that knife was on me throat. And I realised that I might never get the chance to tell you how very much I love you. And I didn't want to die without you knowing." She heard noises downstairs, knew the paramedics where here. "I should have told you sooner. I was scared you wouldn't feel the same way. But I don't care. I mean I do… but it's no excuse for not telling you. I love you Finn. I love you." She kissed him and there was an urgency in his kiss that told her that he had drunk in every word she had said.

The paramedics burst into the room. One knelt beside them. And saw the blood pooling at Finn's knees. He tried to lift Finn's shirt to see the wound.

"See to her first." Finn ordered.

"Sir, you've lost a lot of blood."

"See to her first!" He commanded loudly. The paramedic's lips pulled into a tight line and he turned to Rae.

"Where are you hurt?" He asked her and she took her hand off her neck.

"To be continued." He said to Rae as the paramedic looked at the wound. Finn felt his inside squelching he was shaking so hard. His mind was starting to race… and the pain… The pain was more intense than anything he'd ever experienced. He felt his heart hammering in his chest, felt his breaths coming in shallow fast gasps. Felt his head swimming.

"To be continued." She repeated, terrified at how pale his face looked. Finn felt the pain starting fade out. Like a whitewash fading everything out of existence. He struggled to focus his eyes, his mind wasn't working properly, but he kept his eyes on Rae. He felt confused, lost and far away somehow.

"She's fine." The paramedic said. "Superficial wound."

"She fine?" Finn asked, barely able to keep it together.

"She's fine." The paramedic assured him.

"Good." He said and he swayed slightly, "I think… I think I might need help." Finn's mouth felt hopelessly out of time to the rest of his face. The room spun and he hardly noticed himself collapsing. He heard Rae calling his name and tried to tell her he was fine before he lost consciousness.

_'I Remember You' by Skid Row_

At this time of the year there were only Mallards on the lake. But he liked their big green heads.

He watched them peacefully floating on the water.

The sun streamed down through the trees and he felt content, happy.

He turned to her, saw the look of excitement, trepidation.

_If only I'd done it differently._

_I'm so sorry._

He took her hand this time.

This time he led her to the water.

This time he helped her take her shoes off.

This time she got in the water with him.

Danny closed his eyes and looked towards the sun.

_Strange how something so dangerous as the sun on your eyes, can be stopped by something so fragile as an eyelid._

What was it that had stopped her that day?

Had it been something fragile?

Something he could have broken through?

_I'm sorry Tixie._

He turned to the empty bench but he saw her there. In his mind's eye. He saw her, beautiful, smiling.

This time she'd come in with him.

Danny took his shoes off, he watched Tix take hers off.

He crossed the grass in a joyous dance because she was following him to the water's edge.

He saw her looking at him as he jumped into the water to be with the ducks.

He saw her large beautiful eyes, her tantalizing smile, her cheeky nose.

He loved her so much.

He saw himself motioning for her to come in, inviting her to join him, so desperately wanting her to be beside him.

Saw her hesitate at the edge of the water.

He watched as the fear closed in around her. He watched himself so inarticulately cheer for her to come in. He saw her whole body tensing up. Watched her turn and leave. He saw himself watching her leave.

He'd seen her walk away hundreds of times now.

He'd watched this moment so often he knew which hairs on her head ruffled with the slight breeze.

He saw the way the material moved over her thing frame.

Saw everything go wrong.

Why had he not clearly seen it then? Why had he not realised she was struggling so much?

Why had he not saved her?

Danny stopped at the edge of the water.

He looked around at the empty gardens. Just a few Mallards swimming in the duck pond.

No people.

No Tix.

He watched the ducks, his feet bare, his hands on his hips, his mind replaying that day over and over again.

He would replay it till he got it right and he saved her.

Slowly he backed away from the water. Danny didn't swim with the ducks anymore.

He sat down on the bench and closed his eyes, turning his face to the sun, his thin delicate eyelids protecting his eyes from the blinding light.

_What could I have done different?_

_'Even When I'm Sleeping' by Leonardo's Bride_

Rae fell to her knees at his side. The paramedics moved in a strange synchronicity that she couldn't understand. All she could see was his eyes rolled back in his head, his pale face, his limp, lifeless body.

"Finn?" She cried and took his hand, terrified of how cold his fingers were. "No. no. no. no." She couldn't stop the word from leaking out of her like a poisonous gas; every time she said it, she was more certain that he was slipping a little further away.

She watched as the paramedic lifted up his shirt and took in the knife wound, blood oozing out. Rae's whole body was shaking with shock, fear, grief; the whole world seemed to lose colour except for that vivid slash of red.

"He's in hypovolemic shock." The blonde paramedic said emotionlessly, but with an urgent undertone that made Rae's heart pound even faster.

Rae made herself look away from the wound to his face, she lowered her lips to his ear.

"I'm here Finn. I'm right with you." She whispered, "I'm right here. Don't leave me." She had to stop, her throat wouldn't work. "Please Finn, please. You've been strong for me all this time, don't stop now." She stroked his hair. "I love you Finn. I love you."

"I'll get the stretcher." The blond was saying.

"No. let's just use the blanket." The dark haired paramedic countered and the blond reefed the blanket from Rae's bed. The paramedics worked together to fold the blanket in half lengthways and lay it on the floor.

"You stay with me Finlay, or I'll have to follow you. And I know how much that'll annoy you." She stroked his clammy face, noticed how rapid and shallow his breathing was. His skin was mottled, his lips blue. She saw the blood all over her floor and realised with painfully clear understanding that Finn was going to die.

She shook her head, trying to free herself of that thought, of that feeling, of that knowledge. She kissed his lips gently, the cold, clammy feel of his mouth scaring her even more.

"You're scaring me Finn." She told him, "You have to stop scaring me now." He didn't move. "Please don't do this." She whispered, pleading with him. "I love you." She whispered again.

The blond paramedic knelt beside her and they moved Finn onto the blanket. Rae watched them, unable to get her thoughts together, not even able to feel straight. She started to breathe heavier, panic raising in her throat. She felt frozen, rooted to the spot as they lifted Finn up using the blanket as a stretcher, taking him away from her. Taking him to die alone somewhere. A nothingness crept through her and her eyes became unfocused, her mind finally allowing her to tune out of the situation, right when she didn't want to.

"I think she's having an acute stress reaction." The blond paramedic noted.

The brunette paramedic had a walkie talkie attached to his shirt pocket, he clicked it on and started speaking.

"Report: ED heads up." He said slowly and clearly as he backed down the stairs carefully. There was an acknowledgement on the other end and he looked down at Finn. "Male approximate age 16 to 20. Stab wound to the right upper quadrant of the abdomen. Probable severe liver laceration. Level 3, possible level 4 haemorrhage; hypovolemic shock present. Probable venous, possible arterial puncture. Patient is unconscious." There was an acknowledgement on the other end of the walkie talkie as the paramedics carefully, efficiently moved Finn around the corner into the kitchen.

Rae had felt herself falling into blackness, but clawed her way out, she scrambled to her feet and ran out the door after them, nearly tripping on the stairs. She ran into the kitchen to see them taking Finn out of the house. She followed immediately; wherever Finn went, she went.

They lifted him up into the ambulance and put him on the gurney, removing the blanket. Rae took it and held onto it as the blond helped her into the back before heading to the front of the ambulance to drive.

The brunette held out a swath of white bandaging to her.

"Put pressure on the wound." He said and she dropped the blanket and grabbed the sterile cloth, holding it to Finn's side with as much pressure as she could manage. The paramedic continued to move, preparing a bag filled with clear liquid as the ambulance, siren wailing, started to move.

"Starting IV." He told the walkie talkie as he inserted the needle into the back of Finn's hand. Once the needle was taped in place he started to squeeze the bag. He put a cuff around Finn's arm and pressed a button attached to a machine nearby. They drove in silence as the cuff filled up with air, Rae pressing into Finn's side, the paramedic pushing fluids into Finn.

"Pulse 122 bpm." The paramedic read off the machine, "BP 72 over 55." He looked down at Finn and grimaced, "marked tachypnoea, approximately 30 breaths per minute." He grabbed a thermometer and put it to Finns ear. "Temperature 26 degrees Celsius, suspect hypothermia setting in." He put an oxygen mask over Finn's mouth. And started a second IV drip in Finn's other hand.

"How's that pressure going?" He asked Rae, as he looked over to ensure that she had the wound covered properly.

"I got it." She answered determined.

"When was he stabbed?"

"I dunno…" Rae said helplessly, "maybe ten minutes ago." He nodded and attached a clip of some sort to Finn's forefinger. He flicked a switch on a machine and a fast, unsteady beeping sound started. He grabbed a blanket and put it over Finn, placing his hands under the blanket but leaving the stab wound uncovered.

"Alright, I got it now." He leaned over and applied pressure to the wound, leaving Rae sitting, staring at Finn's face.

"Is he gonna die?" She felt so lost, so terrified of the answer.

"It's too soon to tell." The paramedic replied in an efficient tone. He looked up and saw her horrified face, "Look, I'm in my foundation year as a doctor, next year I can register to practice. This was my first job, and I still do it to make some money, while I finish me qualifications." He explained, "I just want you to know, I've seen worse as a paramedic and as a trainee doctor. Ok?" She nodded.

"Did they survive?" He pulled his lips into a grim line.

"Not all of them."

The ambulance stopped and Rae looked up from Finn's face as a nurse opened the door to the ambulance. They moved the gurney out into the bright light. Rae looked over at the doors of the emergency department as she picked up the blood stained blanket and dropped out of the ambulance, fear and numbness fighting for control over her exhausted body and mind. A doctor came out to the gurney at a rush. She looked down at the wound.

"Prep the CT room. Let's see what's bleeding in there." She ordered and an orderly rushed off, "let's prep for a transfusion as well, get him stabilised. Bring me O type…" Rae couldn't hear what they were saying. She just clung to his hand as they wheeled him in, staring at his face, willing him to give her a sign that he was gonna make it. Willing him to just open his eyes and see her. Just even flutter them a little. Just show any signs of life at all.

They stopped her at the door to the theatre rooms and she stared through the window as the wheeled him away. She felt the fear and panic well up inside of her and finally the sobbing overtook her. She leaned against the wall and wept, holding the blood stained blanket to her chest.

A nurse looked over and noticed that she was covered in blood and only wearing a bra. She opened the supplies cupboard and took out a towel, some disinfectant and a hospital gown.

"Come on dear." She said as she gently guided Rae to the nurses' bathroom.

It took the nurse a long time to convince Rae to let go of the blanket. She held it as if letting go of it would mean that Finn died. But the nurse was gentle and kind and patient and she soothed that fear away. She tutted sympathetically as she started to clean Rae's face for her.

"You took quite a blow to the face." She said as she gently wiped the bruising along her cheek. "I'm guessing some man who doesn't deserve you did this." Rae nodded her head slowly. "Not that man they wheeled in with you?" She asked gently, expecting her to say yes. But she shook her head.

"Not him. I had a stalker." She said, feeling more exhausted and drained than she ever had. "He saved my life." Rae lowered her eyes, "and he's probably gonna die."

"Oh. Don't worry love, they work wonders here." The nurse consoled and gently wiped the blood from Rae's painfully split lip. But Rae didn't wince. Her mind was occupied with Finn.

"I wish I knew what was happening to him." She looked at the door, frantic panic starting to rise inside of her.

"You'll find out soon enough." The nurse soothed.

"But I love him." Rae said softly, "and if he dies…" She started to cry and the nurse stroked her hair gently.

"You can't think like that." The nurse said with a gentle, but firm voice. "It's your job to think that he's going to make it. And to think of all the days you'll have after this one, together." Rae nodded, still crying. The nurse moved down to her neck and winced.

"Oh dear." She muttered, "I'll need to dress these."

"They're superficial." Rae said disinterested in her own wounds. "Paramedic said so."

"Well to a paramedic they would be, but to the rest of us, these are pretty nasty. And very painful I'd wager." She looked closer. "God any deeper and they'd have been taking you to the morgue." She said softly. "You're very lucky." She breathed. "These definitely need dressing. Let's take you to a room."

_'This Love' by Pantera_

Liam plonked down on the bench and put his head in his hands as the police officer shut and locked the door to his holding cell.

Drunk and disorderly conduct, vandalism, public urination, resisting arrest.

He scoffed and lit up a cigarette. He'd been here before. In a few minutes they'd let him call his mum. She'd be pissed off, but he'd be home in no time.

He yawned and leaned back against the wall, his stomach still aching, his bruises were slowly healing, so they didn't give him as much trouble as they had.

Sometimes he thought about getting revenge on Finn. In a fair fight, where he didn't have to worry about Rae's safety, he'd beat the shit out of that twat.

He often thought about Rae and felt guilty beyond anything he'd felt before. He'd seen her around a few times since then, and she seemed to have healed up fine. Still, who does that to someone they love?

Liam was starting to hate himself more and more every day.

_Everything I touch turns to shit_

_But that's how I like it._

_I like broken fucked up things. _

_So I am surrounded by limp and dying things._

_And I hate that._

_But I still wouldn't change. Not for anyone._

_What I really want is permanence._

_I want something beautiful that stays that way, no matter how many times I fuck it up._

_That's why it's gotta be Rae._

_She so strong she can take anything. _

The officer came to offer him to call someone.

Liam gave him a smug grin and blew smoke in his direction.

He wandered down the corridors with the officer looking in the other holding cells, there weren't many others being held at the moment.

When they reached the phone, Liam picked it up immediately and started dialling his home number. He looked around at the officers doing their work, chatting over tea and generally ignoring him while his number rang. He waited for her to pick up.

"Goddamnit woman." He muttered as the phone rang out. He hung up and tried another number.

"Hello." It was a male voice.

"Is Chloe there?"

"I'll get her." There was a sound of the phone being put down and Liam scanned the officers again, waiting for her to pick up.

"Hello?"

"Chloe, it's Liam." There was silence. "Don't hang up." He said urgently.

"How did you get my number?"

"Phone book." He had memorised it just after they'd first talked; he liked to be able to contact his friends.

"Why are you ringing?" She sounded unimpressed, but there was a tiny glint of curiosity, and that was his way in.

"I got myself arrested." He grinned down the phone, "Come bail me out, I'll pay you back."

"You got arrested? Why?"

"Just being a lad. Come get me."

"No." she said brutally.

"Chlo? C'mon…"

"You hit my best mate!" Her voice rose in anger and he scrunched his eyebrows.

"But that were an accident."

"You did worse things than that to her."

"No I didn't."

"I'm not talking to you about this Liam. Or anything else." She hung up the phone before he had chance to reply. He looked up at the officer who was grinning knowingly at him.

"Looks like your spending the night here then." He motioned for Liam to walk in front of him and Liam rolled his eyes and headed back to the cells.

He had never had to spend the night before.

The door clanged shut again and he heard the lock clink and Liam suddenly became aware of how utterly alone he was.

_'Love Is Blindness' by U2_

Her hand was shaking as she picked up the receiver and put her money in the slot.

She had required 5 stitches on her stomach and they had taped up the wounds on her neck. And her wounds were stinging and pulling and annoying.

"Hello." The minute she heard his voice she started to cry again.

"Is that… is that Rae?" He asked, his voice edged with deep concern.

"It's Finn." Her voice cracked pitifully, barely able to make a sound anymore. Today had been too much, and she had been sitting alone at the hospital for the last hour before she had remembered she should call Gary.

"Where are you?" His voice filled with alarm now.

"Hospital."

"I'm coming."

Rae hung up the phone and picked it back up, putting another coin in.

"Heya."

"Archie." She couldn't find the words, her voice still thick with tears.

"What's wrong Rae?" She could practically hear the way his brows where furrowing.

"Finn." She said softly.

"You didn't break up again?"

"No." She whimpered, "I think he's dying or already dead." She whispered, her terror making her not able to stop, "He lost so much blood Archie. I don't know what to do."

"Oh shit." He breathed. "Are you at the hospital?"

"Yes."

"I'm coming."

"Ok."

"Just stay safe till I get there ok?"

"Alright." She cried miserably. She hung up the phone and tried Chloe, but the number was engaged. Izzy was already here, and Chop would be too. She supposed she could go and find them, but she just felt too exhausted and she had to wait here for Finn.

She sat staring at the clock ticking by seconds, her whole body alternating between being too tried to feel anything, to panicked weeping and back again. When Gary rushed in, Janice not far behind, she was crying, brutally blaming herself for Finn's death in her mind.

Gary instantly put his arms around her, crouching down in front of her. Janice went up to the nurse's station to ask for news, but they would only give news to his family. Rae felt herself calming as soon as Gary put his arms around her, but then she looked down at the blood under her nails and knew it was Finn's from when she'd been putting pressure on his wound. She started to sob again, slow exhausted sobs.

"What happened?' He asked her as he gently let her go to sit beside her, putting his arm back around her shoulders. But she just kept looking at her hands, crying. Gary looked down and saw her nails and recognised that there was blood under them.

"What happened?" He asked more urgently.

"It's my fault." She said, "If I'd o' just believed him that the stalker were serious." She wiped her face with the back of her hand and Janice fished some tissues out of her bag before sitting down on the other side of her, gently rubbing her back.

"I can guarantee you it's not your fault." Gary said, noticing the dressings on her neck, the bruising on her face, the split lip. Janice noticed that she was wearing a hospital gown and wondered what had happened to her clothes.

"If I'd just let Saul have me. I wouldn't have been there and Finn wouldn't have been stabbed. And I know he's dead. There was so much blood."

"Oh my god." Janice whispered. Gary looked down at his shoes, worry taking over him. He took a few deep breaths and looked back up at her. "This is no one's fault but the stalker's." He said firmly, "I'm not in the business of blaming the victim Rae. You did nothing wrong." He pulled her into his arms again and stroked her hair soothingly. Rae sobbed loudly, the panic rising in her chest again. Gary looked over to Janice who was still rubbing Rae's back.

"I have to see him." She cried suddenly frantic. "Gary, I have to see him again." She looked over at the doors that they'd taken him through. "I have to see him." She said again, standing up. Gary stood up beside her and tried to gentle dissuade her.

And then Archie was there, Chloe rushed straight to Rae and threw her arms around her. Rae clung to Chloe.

"What happened babe?" She asked, as Archie put his arms around both of them and Gary took a moment to compose himself before heading to the nurses' station with Janice.

"Saul." She cried And Chloe's eyes widened in understanding, she squeezed Rae tighter.

"What did he do?" Chloe looked at Rae's face, her eyes unwillingly dropping to the dressings on her throat.

"He came to take me… and he were hurting me… and Finn saved my life." Rae said, and Chloe took her face between her hands, "And he stabbed Finn, and Finn was bleeding out."

"It's alright Rae." She said, "It's alright." She kissed her forehead and wrapped her back in her arms.

"Oh fuck." Archie barely breathed. He pulled the two girls over to the seats and they sat down, Rae in between them.

"There was so much blood. And I think he was dying… Chlo…" Rae looked at her, "I think he's dying."

"Finn is strong." Chloe said, "He will be fine. I know it."

"We've got a little bit of news." Janice said as she returned, "He was stabbed in the liver and they gave him a transfusion and are deciding what to do about the bleeding."

"Deciding?" Rae stood up again, "I have to see him." She whispered, "It's my fault."

"Do you think she's in a bit o' shock?" Archie breathed to Chloe and Chloe nodded.

"It's a lot to go through innit?" She said, "And it's not over till she knows Finn's ok." Gary took Rae by the shoulders and sat her down.

"Rest." He ordered, reminding her so painfully of Finn that she was struck numb. She leaned back in the seat as Janice went to get drinks for everyone.

Archie took Rae's hand and tried not to look at the dressings on her neck. Chloe tried not to notice that she was wearing a hospital gown instead of her own top. Gary sat down next to Chloe. They sat in silence for some time.

"Oh my god." Rae suddenly said as Janice returned with a tray of drinks. "I left Saul in me house with the doors unlocked." She shook her head, "I don't even know if the police came."

"I'll go." Janice said softly as everyone started to respond. "'ll drop by the police station on the way and see if they've been." She said to Gary's worried face, "I'll be perfectly safe."

"Thank you." Rae reached out for Janice's hand and Janice bent down to kiss her on the cheek.

"I'll be as quick as I can." She gave the packet of tissues from her bag to Chloe and left.

Rae watched her leave and turned back to the doors to where Finn was. Nothing. They could only wait.

The emergency department waiting room was eerily quiet. There were few people waiting, and plenty of staff to see them. Even the nurses commented on how quiet it was as they stood chatting at the nurses' station.

"Hey did you hear, it's Tutulu's birthday today?" Rae overheard one of the nurses say and she looked over with tired eyes.

"We should get her a cake or something to wish her happy birthday." The nurse that had seen to Rae's wounds said jovially.

"Definitely! Gotta enjoy the quiet while we can!"

Rae lowered her eyes, thinking how weird it was that life went on all around her while Finn was possibly dying just beyond those doors.

She wondered how her life could possibly go on if his didn't.

They waited.

Eventually, the doctor Rae had first seen treating Finn came out of the doors and looked around the waiting room. Rae stood up and she walked over to them.

"I'm doctor Kraus." She said warmly, "We've managed to close up the bleeding veins and stabilise him. However he did lose a lot of blood and he is still unconscious."

"Can I see him?" Rae pleaded.

"Yes, but only for a few minutes. Then I suggest you go home, get some rest, and with any luck he'll be awake tomorrow."

"So he's not in danger?" Gary asked urgently. Dr Kraus looked him and cocked her head to the side in a 'maybe' gesture.

"The cut was fairly clean so it was easy to close the broken veins and we think we got all of them. He's young and relatively fit, so he should heal well. But there was a lot of blood loss and his body was in shock for a long time and his liver was substantially damaged… but the liver is excellent at healing itself." She added, "If I were forced to choose an organ to be stabbed in, I'd choose the liver." She smiled reassuringly.

"What's the best and worst case scenario?" Gary insisted.

"Alright, best case scenario, the surgery was a complete success, we didn't miss anything and there were no infections introduced to the wound, the blood transfusions did their job, he heals as quickly as a healthy person his age should and he'll be out of hospital in a few days, with daily wound management appointments for a few weeks and regular blood tests to check liver function for the next few months." She took a deep breath, "worst case scenario, the blood loss, prolonged hypovolemic shock and hypothermia he's suffered is too much for his system. Or an infection was introduced to the wound site and his system is too weakened to fight it. Both of these could result in death or permanent impairment." She looked at Gary, measuring his response, "I'm hopeful though for a full recovery." She said honestly, "and I believe the surgery was a success." She smiled again, "He stable at the moment, and given the trauma he's been through, that's really good news."

"How'd he get hypothermia?" Rae asked confused and scared and wondering what had happened to her Finn.

"Severe blood loss." Dr Kraus answered factually. "So shall I show you to his room?" She asked Rae. Rae took Gary's hand and nodded. Dr Kraus led them through the doors, Archie and Chloe watching them go.

Rae walked as if her body was wrapped in wool, as if everything was muted and distant. When she entered his room, she let go of Gary's hands and felt the focus her mind, her eyes and her body had lacked over the last few hours return, on a single point. Him. She walked, almost calmly to him and took his hand lovingly.

He was still unconscious, with a tube under his nose for oxygen, a drip attached to his other hand, but the cannula was still in the hand she held, and the little clamp on his index finger, monitoring his heart activity. It no longer thumped out a fast erratic rhythm. No. Rae breathed a deep sigh of relief. The machine was beeping a slow steady rhythm. Gary stood at the foot of his bed looking down at his son, while Rae gently stroked his hair.

She noticed that his fingers were warmer now, but still not arm enough, and the colour was back in his face, but still not back to normal, his lips weren't blue, but they weren't their usual pink tone. Even so, she felt tears of relief on her cheeks and she buried her face carefully into his neck smelling his scent painfully; she had been so sure he had died, and she stayed there as she let that fear wash through her.

She kissed his neck and then kissed his lips gently. She let their foreheads touch and looked at his face.

"I love you." She whispered to him, not caring that Gary was there. "I don't know how much you heard me say before, on account o' you bleeding to near death." She stroked his face, "But I told you in no uncertain terms Finn Nelson, that I'm in love with you." She kissed his lips again, "and you told me to be continued. That's a promise that you have to keep. That's the rules." She pulled back and looked at his closed eyes, "so when I come back tomorrow, you will be awake, and you'll kiss me, and tell me that we're forever and that everything's alright. Or else I will be very cross at you." She kissed his lips, "I'm lying." She said, "I won't be cross at you." She sucked her bottom lip and stroked his hair, "but I'll be much happier when you come back to me. So… do try your hardest. Cos this stuff is scaring the hell outta me Finn, and I need you." She kissed his forehead. "I love you." She heard Gary sniff and looked up at him. He wiped his face and took a deep breath.

"I never thought I'd see him like this." Gary walked around the bed and sat in the chair, "Oh Finn it's been a tough couple o' months lad." He carefully took Finn's hand, not wanting to disturb his drip. "You gotta be tougher than them though." Rae watched him as he reached up and stroked Finn's hair in the kind of way that only a parent did. She carefully reached over Finn and Gary took her other hand momentarily, before they both turned back to Finn, Rae's hand going back to his face.

"You should probably head home." Dr Kraus said softly.

"I love you son." Gary stood up and kissed Finn's forehead, before heading to the door, his whole body stiff with emotion.

Rae lingered, drinking in his face, the colour seeming to be better than when they first came in. She smiled at the thought that he was getting well in front of her eyes. She took a picture of him and her together out of her purse and left it on the side for him. Touched his cheek again and left.

"Where are you staying tonight?" Gary asked her.

"I can't go back home." She responded numbly.

"You got our home too, remember." She smiled sadly at him and he put his arm over her shoulders protectively. "C'mon." He led her out to Archie and Chloe.

She told them how he'd improved as they walked to the car park.

She barely remembered hugging them goodbye, the car ride home, walking up the stairs to his room.

But the crushing sense of aloneness descending on her like vultures when she stood in his room alone.

The negative things the doctor said came back to her now.

_The blood loss, prolonged hypovolemic shock and hypothermia he's suffered is too much for his system. _

_Or an infection was introduced to the wound site and his system is too weakened to fight it. _

_Both of these could result in death or permanent impairment._

She let her fingers gently touch the pillow he'd given her. She kicked off her shoes and carefully laid down in the bed. She took Finn's pillow into her arms, one end of it pushed against her face, breathing him in. She stared at the door.

She felt like crying.

But her exhausted body had no more energy for that.

It was night, and she hadn't eaten all day.

She'd been physically, mentally and sexually assaulted by a guy she had been trying to forget for months.

And the love of her life laid in a hospital bed tonight, with his insides sliced up because she went to a party with Saul all those months ago.

Because she had been so flattered by him saying she looked nice.

Because she had been frigid and said no to him so he got obsessed.

Because she had been so strong when she came for Chloe, so he wanted her even more.

Because she hadn't taken the threat seriously.

Because she hadn't been able to get him off quick enough to be gone before Finn got there.

Because she had been so inept at saving him with what was a truly simple plan.

All the mistakes she had made over the months haunted her.

She could see a long line of cause and effect.

And she was always the cause.

And the effect was always enacted out upon Finn.

She fell asleep with these thoughts whirring in her mind, her body simply too exhausted to keep going.

_'Big Empty' by Stone Temple Pilots_

She picked up the elephant and the comb and put them on the coffee table. The food she put in the bin. She looked at the broken television and cleaned up the glass but left the television where it lay. She walked up the stairs, looking for Rae's room.

Janice looked at the stained carpet. It was more blood than she'd ever seen. She sorted through the airing cupboard until she found everything she needed and started the cleaning up process; Rae was not coming home to this.

She walked back in and saw Rae's beautiful diamond necklace under the edge of her bed. She picked it up and left it on Rae's bedside table for her to find later. She saw that the chain was broken, and could imagine what had happened.

She settled down onto her hands and knees and started to slowly clean the carpet. While she scrubbed, she reflected on her growing affections for the Nelson men. Finn was like a little brother to her in many ways. She was comfortable with how their friendship had grown, and how close she was becoming with Rae. It was Nelson Senior; Gary, that was the problem. Her feeling s for him were a strange thing. She knew he was off bounds, so she felt completely able to maintain the appropriate distance, but still she found him undeniably attractive. She grunted in frustration and decided that she probably needed to find a flat of her own if she were to stay in Stamford.

It took a long time to slowly work through the blood and her muscles were aching by the time she'd finished. She'd need to come back again tomorrow to scrub it up again; stains like these had a nasty habit of reappearing.

She took the bucket and emptied it into Rae's sink and started cleaning out the cloths and scrubbing brushes and bucket and sink, and everything that had been touched by blood with disinfectant.

She stopped, thinking she'd heard a noise downstairs. She turned off the tap to listen, leaving the ensuite and walking into Rae's room to stare at the top of the stairs.

She waited, tense and afraid. But there was nothing. No more sound. She went to turn away and then heard a creak on the stairs. Her heart jumped into her throat, and when his head and shoulders appeared coming up the stairs she nearly jumped out of her skin, until she realised it was Gary.

"Hi." He grinned. "You'd been a while, I was getting worried." She sat down on Rae's bed shaking her head.

"You scared the hell outta me!"

"I'm sorry." He said with a sad smile. He looked down at the massive area of wet carpet Janice had scrubbed. "Oh." He realised that this represented his son's blood.

"How is he?" She asked, removing her rubber gloves.

"Alive." Gary said as he sat on Rae's chair. "Rae's staying at our place."

"Good. I wouldn't want her staying alone here." Janice shudder at the thought.

"What'd the police say?" He asked her cautiously, fearing the worst.

"He wasn't here when they got here."

"Goddamnit." He said under his breath.

"But you know, they'll arrest him if they see him." She said grimly.

"Oh how comforting." Gary said sarcastically, he wiped his face, "let me take you home." He asked softly, "I'll come and help you clean up again tomorrow." He nodded at her, "we can leave my car or your car here tonight. Make the place look lived in."

"Finn's bike is outside too." Janice noted. She stood up slowly, "ok, we'll leave my shitbox." Gary grinned slightly, hearing Janice swear was a rare treat. She grabbed her bag and headed for the door, Gary stood up as she passed him, and she turned to him. "Are you ok?" She rubbed his arm slightly, "I mean…" she shook her head, words failing her. Gary leaned against the doorframe and sighed.

"No." He answered, "I won't be ok till Finn's in the clear." She sighed sympathetically and drew him into a supportive hug. There was a vulnerability, a need in him; she felt it as he wrapped his arms around her. She held her breath, suddenly aware of her own sexual desire for him. She slowly pushed it down. Not only was he not available, but this was not the time to discuss it in any way shape or form anyway. She moved to pull out of the hug and he pulled back slowly, his face close to hers. He stopped and turned his face to her, their lips just inches apart. He licked his lips slightly as he looked into her eyes and then down at her lips. They both moved slightly closer, she saw the desire in his eyes. But then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he pulled away. She took a shaky breath in and looked away, running her hand over her face.

"I'm sorry Miss Harcourt." He said softly, "I'm not myself today." But when she turned to look at him to tell him it was fine, she saw that desire still in his eyes.

"Don't worry." She somehow managed to say. He nodded, his eyes not leaving her face. They stayed like that for some time, just looking at each other.

"I think it's probably time to go." He said as if he truly did not want to.

"Yeah." She answered in the same tone, and she could see by the look on his face that he'd registered that tone. Most guys she knew missed subtle cues from women. But not Gary Nelson. He nodded and looked at the floor. She gathered herself and slowly left the room, Gary following.

_'Gorecki' by Lamb_

"You're Rae?" The nurse said to her and Rae nodded, confused as to how the nurse knew her name.

"There's still another hour until visiting times." She shook her head.

"I know." Rae shrugged, "but I have to be here."

"He woke up at about 3am this morning, had a fairly severe panic attack and was sure you'd died of a slit throat." The nurse's eyes dropped to the dressing on Rae's neck. "It wasn't until one of the nurses noticed the photograph on the side and gave it to him that he calmed down. He said he knew that you must have left it for him, so he knew you were alright." She smiled grimly. "He tore a few stitches. But there doesn't seem to be any other damage." She sighed, "He's sleeping. But you better go through. I think he'd be better off if you're there when he wakes up."

Rae paused at the door and watched him as he slept peacefully. She went to him and took his hand, stroking his hair. She saw the photograph on the bed beside his other hand.

"I'm here Finn." She whispered as she pulled up a seat and took his hand again. She kissed his lips and his forehead before sitting down. "The bed don't feel right without you in it." She said softly. "I miss you so much." She stroked his face. "The nurses said you woke up last night. I wish I'd been here, but they wouldn't let me stay." She ran her fingertips down his cheek and he stirred. She stopped moving and held her breath. His eyes fluttered, as if he wanted to open them but was too tired or too weak to.

"Shhh." She soothed him, "Sleep. Rest." His eyes opened and looked to her, a small smile kissed his mouth and he rose his hand to touch her face. And she knew peace finally. Not since Saul had grabbed her yesterday morning had she known peace. And now that gentle touch of her face granted her freedom from Saul's tyranny. She kissed his fingertips and stared lovingly at him.

"I love you." She whispered to his exhausted looking face, and his smile broadened. She saw him swallow with difficulty, and she stood up, still holding his hand. "I'll get you water." The nurses had left a pitcher and glass beside the bed and she poured a cup, he tried to sit up but grunted with pain.

"Don't move." She reached down and pressed the buttons on the bed, slowly raising just the top section of the bed at a seating angle until Finn was sitting comfortably. "We figured it out when mum where in hospital. Just messing about with it." She smiled shyly and held the glass up to his lips. He drank the whole glass and turned his eyes back to the pitcher. She poured him another glass and he drank all of that too. He drank half of the third glass before he was feeling less dry.

"Sorry that I scared you Mrs Nelson." He said weakly. She felt a sob hitch at her breath but she repressed it and leaned in to kiss Finn, taking his face in her hands. It felt so good to be kissing him and for him to be responding. She leaned her forehead against his, still holding his face and breathed him in.

"Don't do it again." She admonished jokingly.

"I wouldn't want to make you cross."

"What?" She asked him, astonished to hear him saying back to her what she had said to him last night when he was unconscious.

"What?" He asked, clearly unaware of what she had said.

"Nothing. I just… I said that I'd be cross at you if you didn't wake up today." She stroked his face. "You were unconscious so…" She shook her head, "You couldn't have heard me."

"Maybe I just know what's in you, girl." He smiled and touched her face, his fingertips tracing along her lips and then down to her neck. His face grew serious when he saw the dressings.

"I thought you were gonna die in front o' me." He said with so much fear on his face that Rae had to close her eyes for a moment to escape it. "It were my fault." He coughed slightly and she got him the water again. He drank another glass, "Thank you." He looked up into her eyes, "can you ever forgive me."

"I don't understand what you're blaming yourself for."

"Leaving you alone. Punching him when he had a knife to your throat! But I didn't see it and so I didn't… I didn't realise how much danger you was in. I nearly got you killed." Rae shook her head in response to his words.

"The only person that gets any blame in all of this is Saul." Rae echoed Gary's words. He looked back down at her neck.

"I'm glad you took the necklace off while you're healing." He put his fingertip where the pendant normally was. "I want you to know that." He remembered how adamant he'd been that she never take it off, but this was far more important than that.

"He cut it from my neck." She said sadly, "it's broken." Finn looked at the wall for a moment and he looked more tired than ever.

"Let's not think about that now."

"I'll get it fixed." He said immutably. "Don't worry.

"Good." She smiled happier. But still worried about how tired he looked. He put his hand up to her face.

"So…" he smiled, his face a little paler than she'd like. He looked down and took a deep breath. "We both know I'm not so good at speaking still." He grinned, "But I'm trying, and you always treat me like the attempt is as good as the real thing." He smiled appreciatively at her. "I'd do anything for you. Even learn to speak." He looked down and breathed out nervously. He bit his bottom lip as he looked back up at her. "You talked about seeing our future." He said softly, he could feel the energy flowing between them, like their souls were connected.

"You're too unwell to talk about this now." She fretted.

"You should know by now girl that when I say 'to be continued' I mean to be continued." He stroked her face, "I mean to talk to you about this now. I want to make sure that we are crystal clear on all o' this." Rae felt a small spike of fear in her stomach. What if he didn't feel the same way? She took a deep breath and knew that he did. She leaned forward and he stroked her hair, she nodded that she was ready to listen now.

"So, the future." He repeated, "I see things a little differently to you, cos I got university and travel on my list as well as the stupid tuxedo and vows and little Raes and mini Finns and sex every night not just Sunday bloody mornings!" She laughed and he grinned, not able to laugh for the pain in his stomach. "I see me getting in trouble when I tell our kids all the crazy shit we got up to, you telling me not to give 'em ideas." They shared a smile. "I don't see a future for me without you in it." He said shyly, "Every time I look at you Rae… I know." He looked down again, trying to get his nerves under control before raising his eyes to hers again "I've known for so long." He took his time to drink her in, "I'm home." He kissed her lips, "You are my world, you are my forever. I love you Rae Earl. And I always will."

_'Plush' by Stone Temple Pilots_

"It's strange being in here without Finn." Archie lamented and Chloe shot him an annoyed glare. "Sorry." He muttered and looked over at Rae.

"It's alright." She sat on the floor with them, his pillow hugged to her chest. "He looked much better today."

"How long do they think he'll be in there?"

"Another couple o' days they think." Rae said glumly, "I think the second bleed scared 'em all."

"Second bleed?" Archie face noticeably paled.

"Oh." Rae had forgotten that they were getting their news from her, and didn't know everything that had happened over the past few days. "He tore a bunch o' stitches. They thought it was just the external ones. But it were some of the internal ones as well. Started off a little bit of a bleed inside. Only a small one mind." She said, convincing herself as much as them that he was ok, "they had to do a second surgery to find it, cos it weren't stopping on its own."

"Stopping on its own?" Chloe asked.

"Aye, apparently the liver heals itself real good." Rae shrugged, "doctor said in a lot o' cases they just stabilise you and let the liver work its magic. But in Finn's case the damage was too much and they had to go in." Rae hugged the pillow closer, "We was lucky though cos Dr Kraus is a visiting surgeon from London. Expert on livers." Rae looked at both of them, "if she hadn't been there Finn might o' died."

"That is so lucky." Chloe breathed.

"I said so too. But she just said that she always here once a month. Just good timing."

"So they think he's stopped bleeding now?" Archie asked tentatively.

"Aye." Rae nodded slowly, "Dr Kraus said she's confident that he's on the mend now."

"Do you think he is?" Archie persisted, knowing Rae was a good judge of Finn's state of being.

"Well he was being right proper cheeky bastard today, so I think probably." She grinned, "And he's not so pale anymore and he feels warm all the time again." She sucked her bottom lip, "it were scary when he were cold."

"Can we visit yet?" Archie looked scared still; like he'd only believe his best mate was ok if he could see it with his own eyes.

"Still just family allowed." She said with an apologetic face.

"Then why do they let you in?" Chloe asked, "I mean… technically you're not family." She fumbled.

"The hospital has me listed as his next o' kin." Rae shrugged, "I think he must o' put me as it when he signed all the forms to see Kester." She let the pillow drop a little from her mouth, "I think the psychiatric ward shares records with the rest o' the hospital." She mused.

"You'd think so." Archie reasoned.

"It were right awkward though when they was asking me for my thoughts about how long to wait with the bleed, with Finn's dad sitting there…"

"Oh god." Chloe said aghast.

"Aye." Rae breathed, "I had no idea I were his next o' kin. And Gary wanted a say on how long they waited, but they was having none of it." She shook her head, "he put me down as the person to make his medical decisions for him." Rae marvelled.

"That's love." Archie grinned slightly and Rae couldn't help but smile.

"I dunno… but I am glad that they're limiting visitors. I'm sorry guys. But he's so weak." She shook her head, "I watch him sleep for most of me visits." She pulled the pillow back up to her mouth, "and he's still in a lot o' pain."

"It's probably for the best." Chloe agreed.

"Sleeping is good but. Means he's healing." Archie reassured Rae.

"That's what the nurses say. But I dunno. It's so strange to see him like this." She sighed, "But he is definitely getting batter, so that's what I'm holding on to."

"Have you told him that they haven't found Saul?" Chloe asked. She felt so guilty about ever introducing Rae to those guys. All the damage that group of men had done…

"No." Rae said firmly, "and I won't tell him till he's all healed up. He'd probably bust all his stitches and insist on being with me at all times if he knew. He needs to focus on healing."

"Yeah I don't think we should tell him for a bit." Archie agreed, "If we just make an effort to make sure you're not left long Rae, you should be safe."

"I don't think he's coming back for me." Rae thought of what Finn had said, how terrifying he had been in that moment. She had completely believed him that he would and could kill Saul.

"Well I hope not." Chloe reach over and put her hand on Rae's thigh, "I'd hate it if something happened to you."

"I think it's safe to say a lot o' people would." He agreed.

"Have you been back?" Chloe asked gingerly.

"No." Rae shook her head, "I just can't. And I don't wanna be alone so here is best. Gary and Janice have been real good about everything. Making sure there's always someone around."

"Well don't forget you can make us hang around with you." Archie grinned.

"I s'pose we'll put up with it." Chloe rolled her eyes and laughed lightly.

"It's the nights that are the worst I think." Rae said, "Sleeping in his room alone."

"We can stay here tonight!" Archie proffered and Chloe nodded her agreement.

"Thanks guys."

"So Archie," Chloe sensed the time had come for a topic change, "Tell me all about Tom."

"He's super sexy." Archie bragged and the two girls instantly started to giggle, "And he's got a pretty perfect cock. And… he likes rough kinky sex…"

"Wait." Chloe laughed, "You're having rough kinky sex?"

"Yeah, what?"

"You? I always thought you was a bit vanilla Arch!"

"Aye she says that to the gay fellah!"

"What is vanilla in the gay world?" Rae said, "Cos it can't be missionary penis in a vagina now can it?"

"I don't even know…" Archie laughed.

"Missionary anal." Chloe said with a straight face.

"Can you imagine missionaries doing anal?" Rae laughed. They laughed more than the thought deserved; they laughed to let go off the anxiousness of the past few days. Finn seemed to be out of the woods, Rae was being seemingly successful at repressing all thoughts regarding Saul and they had all dodged a bullet. The relief they all felt was palpable

_'The Hearts Filthy Lesson' by David Bowie_

Rae sat silently looking at Kester, not even sure where to start. Kester noted the bruise on her face and the split lip, clearly a few days old, but painful looking nonetheless.

"The last few weeks have been quite hard." Her voice was almost silent, not even sure where to start. "I know we've been working on self-soothing techniques and stuff." She bit the inside of her mouth slowly, "but I really wanna talk about the last few weeks."

"Of course." Kester leaned forward, "you can always talk about anything you want here."

"I just wanted to stay focused on self-soothing cos it were helping so much." She looked down at her fingers and picked at the skin slowly. "I think that Finn were right about Phillip." She said softly. "I were flattered by the idea, but I didn't really believe it. And I wanted to not believe it, cos I wanted to believe that me writing were good and I trusted his opinion on it. But not if he just wants to get at me, you know?" She looked up at Kester, "plus jealous Finn is kinda cute, so I let it go on too long. And I hurt him."

"Jealousy is very much a sign of his own self esteem issues. And a lot of men use it as means of controlling their partners." Kester said softly.

"Yeah but Finn never did that. He never really asked me to stop talking to Phil. Never tried to control me actions. Nothing like that." Rae felt ashamed, "he just wanted me to make it clear to Phil that I wasn't interested."

"And you feel that you didn't do that?"

"No I didn't." Rae dug her nails underneath each other painfully. "I guess, I never really believed that Finn would stay with me. So he was right I were keeping me options open." She kept her eyes on the floor, the guilt for everything that had happened to Finn washing over her, "it weren't that I thought he weren't good enough and I were looking for others. It's that… I'm not good enough for him, and eventually he'll realise it. So…" She tapered off, hoping he'd just understand.

"So you kept Phil as a backup?"

"I guess." She looked up at him, "I didn't even realise I were doing it. But now that I look on it… that's what I were doing." She got up, not wanting to feel Kester's eyes on her, and went to the window. "I just knew that eventually Finn'd leave me. And Phil is actually pretty nice. If I weren't with Finn, I'd probably enjoy being with him." She shook her head. "So I hurt Finn to keep Phil as a back-up for when Finn eventually realised he could do better."

"Creating a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy?"

"I'm pretty lucky that Finn's so stubborn." She agreed with him. "And I will have to have a bit of a chat with Phil, cos Finn deserves better than that from me."

"I think you deserve better from you." Rae turned her eyes to him.

"You mean I should start believing that Finn wants to be with me? That I deserve him?" Kester nodded slowly, letting her follow her own train of thought. "I don't know if I'm good enough for him. I don't know if I'll ever think I am." She put her forehead against the glass and looked to the left, wondering if she could see Finn's window from here. She couldn't. "But I do know that he wants to be with me. There's no question of that. I just wish I had realised it sooner. Saved him so much pain."

"So what's happened?" He sat back in his chair and settled his hands across his lap.

"He nearly died saving my life Kester." She looked over at him. "He was in ICU earlier this week. They only just moved him to the general ward." She tried to look through the window again towards the general ward. Kester lit a cigarette, understanding why Finn had missed his session now.

"How did he save your life?"

"By beating the ever loving shit out of Saul." She gripped the window sill. "He's my stalker." Kester sought out the name Saul in his memory and recalled several vague references to him in their previous sessions.

"And how did Finn nearly die."

"Saul stabbed him." She started to cry, even thinking about it was absolutely awful to her.

"Is Finn out of danger?" Kester asked, hiding his alarm.

"I think so…" Rae said, repressing her tears, not wanting to cry anymore. "He seems to be getting better."

"Tell me about Saul." Kester licked his lips and decided to pay Finn a visit as soon as possible.

"He's this disgusting… filthy… pile of shit." She came back to her seat and watched Kester smoke for a minute. "I should o' known it were him." She said quietly, "he tried to rape me a while back… and when I went to get Chloe, there were something in the way he mocked me… just…" She paused, remembering what had happened when she'd finally gotten Chloe downstairs.

"You know I were getting Chlo out o' there. And Ian were yelling, and he grabbed her and, he threatened her… and the other blokes were in on it… but Saul was just sitting on the longue watching it all…" She shook her head realising what Saul had been doing, "he were watching me. I didn't see it but." She rubbed her face slowly, "if I'd o' just seen it."

"You're not to blame."

"He got into my home Kester." Rae said softly, calmly. "He came into my home. And he cut me, he hurt me. And…" she looked away, "he touched me…" Kester leaned forward, his brow furrowed, "he made me touch him." She looked up at Kester, "I just feel numb about that… I feel nothing. What should I feel?"

"You should feel whatever you do feel."

"I wish Finn had killed him."

"I think that's a perfectly normal thing to think and feel." He answered softly. Rae's eyes wandered away from his face and lost focus. Kester knew that the next few months would be difficult for Rae.

"But he got away." She whispered, "he's still out there." She shook her head slowly and turned to Kester, "Is he gonna come for me again?"

"I don't know." Kester answered honestly. "Every stalker is different. He's just as likely to leave you alone now as come after you." Kester sat forward on his chair and took her hand, "You have to do things to ensure your safety Rae."

_'Need You Tonight' by INXS_

Finn watched her from under his eyebrows, a huge grin on his face as she cut his food for him. She had been particular about doing everything for him when he was in ICU, and even now that he was in general and shared the room with another person, and could do it himself, she persisted. In ICU he had been so weak that everything she did had been so helpful and necessary. But now it was just adorable and endearing.

"There." She said and moved the plate closer to him. He sat up a little and she rushed to set his pillows for him.

"Thank you." He kept his eyes on her as he ate his lunch. "Want some?"

"You need all of your food to get well." She admonished. And his grin broadened. He took another bit-sized morsel into his mouth and chewed it, watching her closely.

"When's everyone getting here?" He asked.

"In about an hour." Rae told him and he nodded thoughtfully.

"You know… I wanted to tell you why it took me so long to tell you how I feel." He bit his bottom lip and moved some peas around on his plate, "I were waiting for the perfect moment. So that you'd know I were saying it for no other reason than it's the truth." She touched his face. "I didn't want to say it after something like this." He shook his head, "cos it make it seem like I only said it cos I nearly died." Remembering that he had nearly died made her lower her eyes in pain, but she nodded that she understood. "So… I want you to know that it's the truth, and I wanted to say it sooner but there were always something happening. I didn't just say it cos o' what happened. Or cos you said it." He took her hand and look into her eyes, "I love you." It was the second time he'd said it to her and she kissed him deeply in response.

"I know." She stroked his face, "I love you Finn." She had been far more verbose about saying it, but every time she did say it his face lit up as if it were Christmas. She noticed the relief on his face; that had been weighing on him for the past few days.

A nurse bustled in to take his blood pressure and temperature.

"Everything is looking good Mr Nelson." She said with a smile, "you're healing very quickly." She had a quick look at his wound. Rae could never look at it without feeling anxious. "I'll be back to change the dressing soon." She told him as she left the room; the other patient in the room not needing as much monitoring as Finn.

Finn turned his face to Rae as she closed the curtain between the other patient and Finn a little more.

"What?" He had such a cheeky grin on his face, and a devilish glint in his eye.

"Just thinking about your diary."

"Oh yes?" She asked pleasantly.

"How's that gushing problem o' yours?" He teased. Rae's face reddened and she looked to the curtain. But she would not admonish Finn on this.

"It's fine thank you." She said even toned.

"How long do I get a free pass on everything for?"

"Not much longer." She tried to stay peaceful but his grin was infectious and she found herself laughing. He sat up, with great effort, still wincing when he pulled himself wrong and reached down between Rae's legs. Her eyes and mouth opened wide in surprise. A soft groan escaped from his mouth as his fingertips found her warm pussy. She stood up, trying to get him to lie back, but that only gave him a better angle and he cupped her vagina gently, his desire obvious. He leaned back when she gently prodded him too, but his fingertips lingered on her upper thighs. Slowly they traced out words.

_Get on top of me._

She shook her head, her eyes returning to the curtain.

_Ride me_

"Your stitches." She leaned in to him and murmured softly. He groaned as his other hand went to her breasts, eagerly.

"But you're so sexy." He whispered urgently. "And I need you." She saw his cock perking up under the covers and turned back to the curtain.

"I can't." She whispered, "Your wound." He leaned up and kissed her lips

"It'll be fine." He breathed, the desire in his voice was overwhelming. "Ride me." He pulled back the blankets and motioned for her to get on top. "I can tear those tights again." He grinned.

"Finn." Rae said softly, "I would love to climb on top o' you, but you are not properly healed. They still monitoring you hourly!" He groaned.

"If I die inside o' you I'll be happy." He teased, his hand cupping her cunt again.

"Don't joke about that Finn." She said seriously.

"I'm not joking! I mean it!" He said as his fingers started to pull at the crotch of her tights.

"Finn." She groaned softly as she heard her tights tearing. Her desire for him fighting with her concern. She looked down at the tent being created in his pyjama bottoms and gently pulled back his pants to reveal his beautiful cock. She whimpered slightly.

"Alright?" He asked eagerly, thinking she would be riding him soon. His fingers tore at her tights again and pushed aside her underwear to find her wet pussy, he slid a finger inside of her and moaned throatily. He watched her repress her moan as he found her sensitive areas and turn her lusty eyes to his.

"I've fucking missed your body so much." He could barely form words his desire was so intense. "I need you." He repeated those words and pulled her closer for a kiss. But she leaned down and took his cock into his mouth and he gasped softly and felt the tense desire in his body ease as he settled back into the bed, his fingers still deep inside of her. He watched her sucking his cock and enjoyed that he was making her groan with his fingers.

"I love you." He said to her as she licked the length of his shaft.

"I love you." She returned, the tip of his cock on her lips as she spoke. He found that saying and hearing those words now, while she pleasured him made the entire experience intensely more pleasurable and he felt himself getting close already.

"Slow down." He whispered urgently. "I want you on top." He groaned as orgasm rushed towards him far too soon. She took his full length into her mouth and he came deep in her throat, her eyes widening with surprise. "Now." He was saying; trying to warn her he was coming as it happened. She sucked the length of his cock and pulled his pants back up before coughing slightly because of the way his cum had hit her throat.

"Sorry." He gasped, still stunned at the suddenness of his orgasm she shook her head.

"S'alright." She swallowed and leaned on the bed as Finn intensified his fingering of her, determined to make her cum, but he could feel how much weaker he was; his fingers were already tiring. Luckily, Rae seemed to be on as much of a hair-trigger as he was and he watched her mouth open and knew she was close. Her fingers gripped the edge of the bed as a powerful orgasm rocked her, making it almost impossible to stand as she shuddered in pleasure. Rae looked down at him through post orgasm eyes.

"I'm still missing your body." Her voice was low and throaty and he narrowed his eyes in appreciation of her post-cum voice. His fingers still slowly moving inside of her.

"Climb on top." He ordered, and Rae looked down at his still erect cock. "I've gotta have you." He said, "I need you." He reached up to her face and stroked her hair. "I need to make love to you Rae." He whispered. "I need this."

"Me too." She said softly. "But not yet. Your wound isn't healed enough. And I love you, so I'm not gonna let anything hurt you." He sighed acknowledging that she was probably right, but the urgency of the kiss he gave her made it clear that he was going to keep trying anyway; his desire for her demanded it. They kept kissing heatedly, his fingers insisting that she cum again. Rae felt her hand starting to creep down his pants; she just couldn't help herself.

They heard someone clear their throat and both looked up quickly, Finn hurriedly removing his fingers from her cunt. Gary was standing at the foot of the bed, turned away, his eyes on the floor. Finn hurriedly pulled the blankets back up and looked away from his father. Rae stood by Finn's bed, heaving with sexual desire and looking everywhere but at Gary. And then she saw Finn starting to put his fingers up to his face, clearly to lick her cum from them. She stopped him gently and their eyes met, him realising what he had just been about to do in front of his father. They both blushed but Gary had kept his eyes on the floor this whole time, his face turned away from them.

"Can I visit yet?" He asked, still looking away. Rae sat down in the chair, acutely conscious of the whole in her pants.

"Yeah da." Finn said as naturally as he could. Gary turned his eyes to them.

"Seems you're feeling much better." He said with a straight face and Finn nodded.

"Aye." Finn blushed.

_'Santa Monica' by Everclear_

When Archie arrived 15 minutes later Gary was deep in reminiscence; every part of Finn's childhood had been sentimentally relived in minute detail during these hospital visits. Rae loved every minute of it, and Finn tolerated it well enough. She supposed it was his way of dealing with how close Finn had come to dying.

Archie took a moment to just look at Finn.

"Alright?" Archie asked and cleared his throat.

"Alright."

"So you're not gonna die then?"

"Probably not today." Finn grinned and Archie returned the grin. He came over to the bed and started to grab Finn for a hug, Finn winced slightly.

"Gentle!" Rae ordered and Archie pulled a worried face.

"Sorry!" He froze, "I didn't know."

""S'alright." Finn pulled him into the hug and slapped his back comfortingly.

"I'm glad you're not gonna die." Archie said as he grabbed one of the last chairs, "Chloe's getting Chop." He told them, "Izzy'll probably make it down after her tests." He looked down at the floor for a moment. "So what you been up to?"

"Nearly dying." Finn said and Rae shook her head at how cavalier he was. Chloe and Chop came in. Chloe smiling at Finn from the base of the bed and Chop going in for a hug.

"Gentle!" Rae warned and Chop gave her a look.

"What? Am I supposed to tenderly make love to him now?" He pulled Finn into a hug and Finn winced loudly. "Oh fuck." Chop looked at him confused. "That bad?" He was used to Finn controlling his pain well and Finn nodded.

"I'd like to remind you two twats," Rae said looking at Chop meaningfully and then glancing at Archie, "That Finn nearly died and he still has stitches in his fucking liver." She looked back at Chop, "So yeah Chop, you will make tender fucking love to him." Finn laughed and Chop shook his head. Gary smiled as he shook his head; that girl was a firecracker. Chop pulled up the last chair and Archie motioned for Chloe to sit on his lap.

"So how bad was it?" Chop asked.

"Lost 42% of his blood." Gary said softly.

"Holy shit." Archie marvelled.

"And the damage?" Chloe asked anxiously, "I mean inside… to your organs?"

"Just me liver." Finn shrugged.

"No drinking for you!" Chop remarked.

"It's healing alright though." Finn explained, "The wound were pretty clean and Dr Kraus said that me liver will probably have no long term effects." He grinned, "Got off pretty lucky I s'pose."

"So like, in a couple o' months you can have a drink?"

"S'pose." Finn said, "I'll ask her." He yawned as Chop started talking about going to the pub to tease him. Finn looked over at Rae, reaching out to take her hand.

"I love you." He said softly to her and she leaned forward and stroked his face.

"I love you." She breathed back equally as soft. Chop was still chatting happily, Gary having engaged him in talk about favourite beers. Archie and Chloe though had both seen the exchange between Rae and Finn and they shared a smile before pretending that they'd seen nothing. The nurse came back in and looked at the full room.

"I need to get in here." She said to Gary and he stood up.

"I think that's my cue to go." He kissed Finn on the forehead and left as the nurse started to pull up Finn's shirt.

"Viewer discretion advised." She announced before she pulled the dressings off. Rae looked away as she always did, Finn keeping his eyes on her and squeezing her hand in comfort. Archie and Chop leaned in for a better view and Chloe found herself looking on curiously.

A large angry slash, easily 50 centimetres, or more, long, sloped along the right side of his abdomen, it was stapled together with what looked like at least 50 metal staples. Chloe's jaw dropped and Archie inhaled with a wincing, sympathetic hiss.

"Holy motherfucking fuck shit." Chop breathed in awe. The nurse looked at him from the corner of her eye.

"Indeed." She agreed with a small amused smile.

"I had no idea a stab wound would be so big." Archie marvelled.

"Oh it's from the surgeries." Finn answered. He looked up at Rae worried, suddenly self-conscious of how big the scar was going to be. But she could never bring herself to look at the wound. He pulled his lip into a tight line and looked down at the wound across his abdomen.

"It's gonna make a bloody good scar!" Chop remarked with admiration, "You'd get all the girls with a scar like that." Finn rolled his eyes.

"Maybe we should give you one Chop?" He retorted and picked up the jelly he'd been given as part of his lunch meal and started to eat it.

"Nah it's alright!" Chop laughed. "But you are the toughest motherfucker I know!"

"You tell me this while I'm eating raspberry jelly belly fun time." Finn held the cup up to Chop so he could see what was written on it. They laughed as the nurse carefully cleaned Finn's wound.

"I think we can leave the dressing off now." She said. "How's the cannula?" She asked as she looked down at his hand.

"Itching."

"It's fine." She answered, "Don't touch it." Finn nodded in response and she left the room.

"How's Izzy going?" Finn asked as he looked down at his uncovered wound. He pulled the blanket up over it, frowning.

"She's frail." Chop frowned. "But she brave." He nodded, "She's saying she wants to move in permanently as soon as she gets discharged."

"Well that's good." Archie said, "It's what you wanted."

"Hey," Chloe asked, "how'd you get that place so quick?" She asked, "It's like you got an inheritance and 4 days later you had an apartment!"

"Oh I'd already saved up for a deposit and signed a mortgage for it. Where just finishing up a few things when I got the news." He shrugged, "now I don't have a mortgage cos o' that money." He scratched his chin, "Whole thing were a bit of a legal fuck up to be honest. It's shite being under 18."

"Why didn't you say nothing?" Chloe asked.

"That's all boring stuff innit?" He looked at his feet for a moment, "Guys…" He said seriously, "I were thinking that… well I know Izzy's gonna make it… but…" He struggled to speak clearly, "but if she don't I were thinking we should do a bunch o' stuff for her that she really wanted to do afore she… can't." He finished softly.

They were silent. No one knew whether to say that it was a great idea or to tell him she was going to make it.

"She always said she wanted to go to the beach." Rae said softly, "She's never been."

"Yeah I know." Chop nodded. "That was one of the first things I thought about." He glanced at Finn and lowered his eyes. And Finn knew what one of the other things he'd thought about had been.

"Let's go to the beach this Easter." Finn suggested and Chop nodded. "I'll organise it."

"No." Archie said, "You rest, I'll organise it."

"Agreed." Rae said over the top of Finn who was starting to protest.

"She really wants to finish your dress Rae." Chloe said, "She designed it herself. And she wants to be a designer." Chloe took a sad breath in, "We can help her finish it." Rae nodded.

"I know she wants to go to Italy." Archie said, "But I don't see how we can do that?"

"Maybe we can have an Italian feast night or something?" Chloe offered.

"Yeah with Italian movies and stuff?" Archie got on board with the idea.

"Hey guys." Izzy shuffled in, her hand gently touching her port, and everyone turned to look at her hoping she hadn't heard anything. Her skin looked like the thinnest of bone china, her body seemed tired, fragile like a tree infested with termites, as if the slightest pressure would break her. Chop jumped up and went to her.

"You alright?"

"They just took a little blood Chop! I hardly notice it cos o' the port." She tried to grin as she settled herself into the chair Gary had vacated. Izzy had had a port inserted under her skin near her collar bone to help administer the chemo drugs and to make it easier to take blood. She had been worried about the scar, but Chop had done his best to sooth away that fear. Still, she often touched it or looked at it, worrying.

There was a silence and they all knew they had to save the moment quickly.

"So did you hear Roach asked Elsa out?" Archie asked and they laughed, Finn the loudest, Chop watching them, confused as to why this was funny. Rae turned to look at Finn with a bemused smile.

"There's no way she'd be interested." He explained.

"You think he's too ugly for her?" Rae asked.

"No, too monogamous." He grinned, "And she works with him. I don't see it happening."

"Well you're right!" Archie told him, "she said no and he's been avoiding her since, and when they meet up in the hallways by accident it's so funny!"

"Yeah." Chloe added "Macy said he were 10 minutes late to class on account of avoiding Elsa." They laughed.

"Hey, do you reckon that Janice and your dad'll get together?" Chloe asked.

"When d'you meet Janice?"

"They stay over so I'm not alone at night." Rae answered and Finn took her hand, wishing her could be with her at night. He hated sleeping alone. He smiled at Chloe and Archie, grateful that they were looking after Rae for him.

"I'll be outta here soon. Can't fucking wait." He replied bracingly.

"So d'you think it'll happen." Chloe persisted.

"No, cos he's still pining for mum." Finn said sadly, "pity cos he probably needs a good shag!"

"Oh!" Chloe said with a disgusted face, "I never wanna think about my parents in bed…"

"Ugh." Rae agreed and Archie just shook his head. Izzy sat silently smiling, watching them, and Chop was divided between watching her and joining in for her. They had to be happy for her, and seeing the look on her face now, he understood how this would take her mind of her own problems. He understood why Izzy needed this so much.

"You're in the best mood I've seen you in for weeks." Chop told Finn and he cocked his head to the side considering this.

"I ain't got a fucking stalker to worry about anymore!" He explained.

"What d'you mean?" Chop asked "he got away, didn't he?"

"CHOP!" Chloe yelled at him.

"What?"

Finn turned his eyes to Rae and saw the truth in them.

"Why didn't you say?" The worried look that had left his face was returning.

"Cos you gotta focus on getting better. So we decided to just wait a little bit to tell you. I'm sorry."

"So all the days I been in here, you been unsafe?" He started to sit up a little.

"Finn…"

"No, I gotta be discharged today." Rae looked up angrily at Chop

"No mate we got it." Archie said. "If we don't leave her alone, he won't come."

"Besides," Rae added, preparing herself for the lie she was about to tell. "Kester said he'd probably back off after the beating you gave him."

"Yeah?" He asked looking unsure.

"Aye!" She grinned, "I'll be fine!"

"What happened, how'd he get away?" Finn asked angrily.

"He just weren't there when the fuzz got there." Rae gently pushed him back into a lying position.

"I should o' called the fuzz first." He shook his head, "You was fine; we didn't need the ambulance as much as the cops."

"But you would have died if you'd waited any longer."

"Whatever it takes to keep you safe Mrs Nelson."

"Mrs Nelson?" Izzy asked in a tired but enthusiastic voice.

Rae looked at his face, a piercing pain in her heart. He would die for her. He would knowingly lay down his life for her. That knowledge hit her hard and she had to conceal a gasp as she watched him turn to Izzy.

"Aye!" He exclaimed, "You heard her; she getting all Scottish on me, saying 'Aye' all the time. I got no option but to make an honest woman of her!" Izzy laughed and Rae smiled, pushing back the tears welling up inside of her as she watched his beautiful face while he laughed at Chop's teasing.

"Bloke gets stabbed and all he can think about is his woman!" Chop laughed, "You're in deep trouble laddy." Rae watched Finn speaking, took in every detail of him.

"Aye I know!" He laughed and without warning Rae leaned in and kissed him passionately as he opened his mouth to say more.

"Bloody hell!" Izzy laughed.

"We're still here guys." Archie shook his head as Finn raised his hand to Rae's face.

"I love you." Rae said urgently. Finn stared at her face, not sure what had brought on this urgency, but enjoying the way it made her eyes shine.

"I love you too Mrs Nelson."

"Alright!" Chloe said, "I think we've had enough o' that."

"To last a fucking life time!" Archie agreed with a laugh, "I walked in on them shagging don't forget."

"On our fucking longue!" Chop agreed.

"I've had enough heterosexual foolishness from you two!" Archie grinned as he tried to admonish them.

"Sorry." Rae said pretending to be admonished, but Finn would have none of it and shrugged indifferent to his words.

"So how long till they let you out?" Izzy asked with a longing look.

"Dunno."

"It'll be before me." She said glumly.

"Aye but that just means you get to enjoy the delightful food for much longer." Izzy grinned and Chop put his hand on her knee and squeezed it gently.

"That's what I like about you Finn; always looking on the bright side!" Izzy joked

Finn laid despondently, bored out of his mind, watching the television. It was well after visiting hours and he missed Rae. He wished the nursing staff would let her stay. These nights alone where killing him. Plus now he had the added worry of knowing Saul was still a threat. He sighed and slowly sat up. He suspected he should take more of the pain medication they gave him; he just had to press a button and relief would come. He took a little to keep it down to a dull throb, but there was something about feeling the wound, that made him feel like he was learning an indelible lesson. He wouldn't be so unprepared next time. And he had no doubt there'd be a next time. Rae wasn't the kind of girl you just gave up on. He knew that quite well.

He carefully got out of bed and shuffled over to the bathroom; still feeling weak and unsteady. Dr Kraus said it would be months until he was back to his old self. Finn intended for it to be much quicker than that.

He pulled up his shirt and looked at the wound in the mirror.

_Small price to pay really. _

_I hope she don't hate the scar though._

He went over the toilet and thought about Saul as he peed.

_If I can be so affected by her, that I can't let her go… cos she changed my world… then other people can be too. _

_Phillip._

Finn pulled a face.

_Phillip has been affected by her. Saul had been. Who else?_

_Everyone in the gang too. But they're alright._

_What makes Saul be the way he is?_

_Why'd he go so nuts?_

_And Phillip, he's obsessed too._

_And so am I._

_So what… what makes me different?_

Finn washed his hands and frowned at his reflection. He walked out of the bathroom and saw Kester sitting by his bedside. The other patient in the room was on sleeping meds and had been out cold since after dinner, so Finn was really glad to see Kester.

"Glad to see you up and about." Kester smiled, "from what Rae says, it was a close thing."

"Aye." Finn said as he got himself back in bed, "Sorry I missed me appointment." Kester shook his head.

"I think we can forgive you this time. Don't do it again." He chuckled.

"I'll do me best." Finn grinned and sorted out his pillows so he could sit up. "I'd kill for a smoke." He looked at the bulge in Kester's shirt pocket and Kester shook his head. "Worth a try." Finn grinned.

"You were in ICU?"

"Yeah but I weren't as bad as everyone else in there… well not after the first day or two… they just didn't have any room for me in the general wards I think." Kester nodded, and looked at him for a while. Finn smiled grimly, knowing that Kester was appraising him.

"Got anything on your mind?" Kester got to the point. Finn paused and looked at street light shining through the window, the way the moths flying around it moved the shadows in the corner flittingly.

"Am I only different to Saul and Phillip cos she chose me?" He asked in a scared voice. "I mean she's so amazing, and she touches everyone's lives and people can't live without her and… I love her… and you've said that I'm obsessed with her… and I… I sometimes think that the way I behave isn't that different to Phil… or even Saul." Finn stopped his monologue and looked at Kester for reassurance, "am I like them? Is what I do different just because she chose me?"

"Truth?" Kester asked him and Finn nodded. "You and Phillip are very similar." Finn lowered his eyes.

"I figured." He took a moment to sit with that, "that's why I hate him so much." Finn acknowledged, "and also cos he's probably a better fit for Rae than me." Kester heard his despondent tone but let him continue without countering that thought yet, "If Rae hadn't said everything she said at her mum's wedding, and we hadn't gotten together that first time… I'd o' been Phillip. Chasing her till I had her, even if she had a lad." He shook his head, "the only reason I didn't chase her after she broke it off with me is cos I were sure she did it cos I'd done something wrong, or cos I weren't enough for her." He swallowed hard, "even then, it were always in the back of me mind that if I worked hard enough, waited long enough… I'd get her back."

"Do you know who gets to choose who's a right fit for Rae?" Finn looked up at him and smiled, nodding.

"Rae." Finn answered, understanding the point Kester was making.

"That's right." Kester shifted in his seat and considered Saul, "You share some characteristics with Saul, the obsession for example." Kester continued, "But you don't have his delusions, or his violence… he created a whole world around Rae-"

"Well so have I!"

"Yes but Rae's a willing participant in that." Kester noted firmly, "With Saul, he created this world without her involvement, without her encouragement, without her consent, and without her knowledge." Kester smiled wearily, "that is a very big and very important difference."

"Aye." Finn said softly, considering that. "I just hate thinking I'm like him at all."

"We've all got things like obsession and jealousy in us Finn. It's a sliding scale not an on / off switch."

"S'pose." Finn answered non-committal. "But am I too obsessed with her…? It worries me. Cos I can't live without her." Finn said softly, "but saying that makes me sound like them. Like Phillip and Saul."

"The line between love that is healthy and unhealthy is a very thin line Finn." Kester warned, "And really it's up to you and Rae to decide where that line is."

"You think Saul loves her?"

"In his own extremely deluded, obsessed way. It's not what most people would define as real love though."

"Aye but love's love innit?" Finn said frustrated, "I can't judge other people's love. It's not for me to say if their love is real or no."

"But you can probably get an idea of whether it's healthy or not." Kester replied and Finn paused to think about that, "Do you think your love for Rae is healthy?" Finn slowly felt the usual big stupid grin creeping over his face.

"Aye." He nodded.

"And Phillip's love?"

"Maybe… I dunno." Finn thought about it with furrowed eyebrows for some time before Kester moved him on.

"And Saul's."

"No."

"Then what are you worried about?" Kester leaned forward.

"I guess I thought cos I had similar emotions to them that… that the emotions were of the same quality." Finn sorted through his thoughts, "But they're not." Kester raised his eyebrows at him approvingly.

"Feel better?"

"Yeah!" Finn nodded, "Thanks."

"So… stabbed." Kester prodded Finn into talking about it. Finn nodded. "Scary." Kester raised his eyebrows again.

"Not really." Finn shrugged, "I were more worried about Rae. Had no time to even think about it." Finn furrowed his eyebrows in thought, "even when I saw the knife sticking out o' me, I just worried that Rae was bleeding from her neck. And then when I had to fight him, I just thought 'put this fucker down so Rae's safe' and nothing else."

"Not a thought for yourself?" Kester asked with a sad face.

"Not really." Finn shrugged.

"I think we need to work on you taking care of yourself a little more." Kester answered.

"Rae does that." He grinned.

"You nearly died Finn and you weren't scared at all? Do you care about what nearly happened?"

"I care about how it's affected Rae. I worry what she thinks about me now… especially the scar… it's kinda ugly."

"You're not worried that you nearly died Finn?" Kester pushed.

"It would have been for her, so it's fine." Finn retorted.

"How do you think Rae would have coped if you'd died?" Finn looked taken aback; he clearly hadn't thought of that. "Do you think she would have blamed herself?" Kester asked, "Do you think she would have ever gotten over you… properly?" He put his hands on Finn's bed, "If you bled out in that room, what do you think Saul would have done?" Kester licked his lips, trying to give it time to sink in.

"But I had no choice but to fight him." Finn answered.

"You could have called the police."

"They'd o' just fucked it up." Finn shook his head, "When are you gonna understand Kester? She's me girl; I love her more than me own life, I would die for her in an instant. Without question; if that's what she needed."

"But she needs you alive Finn. Alive and healthy." Kester made his point with a small smile, "So you gotta start taking better care of yourself."

"You're too good at this shit." Finn said as he realised Kester had always understood where Finn stood.

"So what's something you can do that would be looking after yourself?"

"Besides spending time with Rae?" He asked and Kester nodded, "I quite like going to the boxing joint. And spending time with the lads. You mean that kind o' thing?"

"Yes. And also things that help you feel that you are important."

"Like what?"

"Acknowledging how you feel, even when it's difficult. Or terrifying." Kester said carefully and Finn looked away. They sat in silence for a long time.

"You know it was scary." Finn acknowledged vulnerably, "And not just cos I were worried I'd never see her again, never tell her I love her… but because I didn't want to die." His voice cracked and he sucked his bottom lip as he felt the tears fall over his cheeks. "I didn't wanna die." He repeated, "I'm not ready for that!" He took a deep shuddering breath, "and I keep thinking, this is gonna happen again. He'll come for her again… and what if I can't…" he wiped his face angrily, "what I can't look after her next time?"

"You mean what if you're not there?"

"No I mean, what if I freeze up, cos I don't wanna die?"

_'We All Fall In Love Sometimes' by Jeff Buckley_

Finn looked through the pamphlets he'd been given on his wound care as Rae pulled out of the hospital.

"I gotta come back every day for two weeks so they can check the wound." He skimmed through the information.

"When are they taking the staples out?"

"3 days." Finn said grimly.

"I'm a bit scared o' that." She admitted.

"Worried it'll split right open?" He asked with a small grin.

"Kinda." She scrunched up her nose, embarrassed. He shook his head and put his hand on her thigh.

_I love you_

He wrote and she smiled.

"No soap or creams on the wound." He continued, "I have to take lots o' naps apparently." He said happily and Rae laughed, "Eat lots o' protein."

"I'm sure you'll manage that."

"Gentle exercise."

"I see lots of long romantic walks in our future Finlay."

"Aye." He kept reading, "No sunlight on wound, no driving on account of the pain drugs and antibiotics," He held up his paper bag of drugs and continued to read, "I have to wait at least 6 weeks before I can do medium to heavy exercise." He said frustrated.

"Does that mean sex?" Rae asked in a small horrified voice.

"I bloody hope not." He kept reading for anything explicitly stated about sex. "Ah! We're fine to have gentle sex." He said with relief.

"Thank fuck!" Rae grinned, "So your dad'll be home from work at 5 and Janice said she'll be waiting for us at your place."

"I wanna go to your place." He said softly but resolutely.

"I haven't been back since…"

"I know." Finn turned his face to her, "that's why we have to go back now." Finn looked, "Your mum must be pretty worried,"

"I hadn't even thought about that." Rae shook her head. "It's been over a week since I were last home…"

"And they would o' been back what, 4 days ago?"

"Oh shit." Rae shook her head. "It's felt like months but!"

"I know." Finn shook his head, "How can you nearly bleed to death and be out o' hospital in a little over a week."

"I don't care how it happens, I'm just glad it does." She said honestly, "I hated seeing you in that place."

"I hated you seeing me there. I don't want you to think… that I can't take care o' you." Rae looked at him momentarily before turning back to the road.

"Why would you think that I'd think that?" She shook her head.

"Cos that stuff matters to me." He ran his fingers along her thigh affectionately. Rae pulled up outside of her house. Finn's bike was still there, but no other cars. She turned to him.

"Well it don't matter to me Finn." She said earnestly, "I don't see you as me bodyguard. You're me boyfriend not the bloomin' secret service. It's not your job to throw yourself in front o' bullets for me."

"Yeah it is." He stroked her cheek.

"Finn." She said sternly, winding herself up to get into a long lecture.

"You're just avoiding going in that house." He said softly and she stopped, all of her innards freezing and she nodded. He stroked her hair and motioned for her to come closer to him so he could kiss her; leaning and twisting was still difficult. He kissed her gently and looked into her eyes for a long time.

"We both have to do this."

He got out of the car and looked up at the house, his inside churning violently. He looked away, struggling to keep his demeanour. He walked around and opened Rae's door. She got out and refused to look at the house, instead keeping her eyes on Finn. He took her hand and they started to walk towards the house. Rae handed him her keys and he unlocked the door, his mind flashing back to the last time he'd done this.

He opened the door and looked in. The television was still on the floor and he furrowed his brows. He saw the red light blinking on the answering machine and turned back to Rae, but she hadn't taken her eyes off him and was sucking her bottom lip, her large eyes showing all the fear she felt. He reached out and stroked her face.

"It's alright, I don't think anyone's been here since… it happened." He walked into the house, Rae following and clicked on the answering machine.

"Rachel. Is Karim." Rae looked over at the machine, fear that something had happened to her mother stirring in the pit of her stomach. "We stay in Tunisia for another 5 or 6 days." The message continued and Rae let out her breath slowly. She noticed that beside her Finn was doing the same thing. He turned back to the door and deadlocked it.

"How did he get in?" Rae asked as she walked into the longue room, picking up the elephant on the coffee table.

"The kitchen window. He must have known." Finn shook his head.

"I remember mum yelling after Karim that he needed to fix the lock on that window." Rae said softly.

"It's for Aiesha." He nodded at the elephant.

"I guessed." She grinned. Finn picked up the comb and showed it to her.

"But this is for you."

"It's beautiful." She said softly.

"And if I hadn't been dawdling about buying it… things might o' been different." He put the comb in his pocket, not wanting to look at it, but not wanting to throw out something that belonged to her.

"Yeah Saul might o' stabbed you sooner." Finn looked away.

"You think I was always gonna fail?" He asked sadly.

"You didn't fail!" She answered, "You saved my life." She touched his face, "It's me that failed you."

"How d'you figure that?" But she looked away and motioned for him to come to the kitchen. The first thing that Finn noticed was that the lock on the kitchen window had been changed.

"That'll be Janice and your dad." Rae said as she saw him looking at it. Finn turned to her and looked at the stairs.

"C'mon." He took her hand and they started up the stairs.

They stood at the door to her room.

"Janice must have cleaned the carpet." Rae said softly as they took in the room.

"Can still see the stain but." Finn's eyes took in the size of the stain and he took a deep breath. Rae looked over at the mirror and turned away. She walked over to the bed, replete with clean sheets and sat down, turning her eyes immediately to Finn who stood at the door, looking at the mirror. Finn was just now remembering that both Rae and Saul had been semi undressed when he had come in. It was like the blood loss and trauma and fear of the whole thing had removed one of the most vital pieces of information. Rae may have been raped, and he'd been getting his hands up her skirt for the past 4 days without a thought for her mental state.

Rae watched his eyes move over the area near the mirror, wandering what he was thinking and wishing he'd come over to her; it had been over a week since they'd properly embraced each other.

Finn slowly turned his eyes to Rae but now she was looking at the necklace, lying on her bed side table. He watched as her eyes spilled over with silent tears, her fingertips gently picking up the diamond.

He crossed the room and knelt before her, putting his hand over hers as she held the necklace, and they both became painfully aware that this was the exact position he'd been in when he'd been stabbed. Rae sobbed and threw her arms around him and he pulled her into an embrace, his heart pounding, his mind terrifyingly creeping over every thought of what might have happened to her in this room for the hour and a half or so he was gone.

He took her face into his hands and kissed her tentatively, not sure if she'd want to be touched like this. She returned his kiss deeply and he felt his stomach unclench slightly.

"I love you." He whispered to her, still holding her face, his forehead touching hers.

"I love you." Her voice was higher pitched than usual and cracking with tears. He gently took the necklace from her hands and looked at the damage. "I'm sorry." She whispered to him, clearly upset about the necklace and Finn looked up at her.

"It doesn't matter." He said softly, "The chain can be replaced. You can't." He looked back down at the chain and then put the necklace in his pocket, "and it's not your fault what that fucking maggot did to… to you." He said softly and Rae lowered her eyes.

"Sometimes I still feel his hands on me Finn." She said, her voice sounding like the gutted shell of a house devastated by fire. Finn's breath caught his throat, the pain in her voice, the desolation, made his inside clench painfully. "I don't know how Chloe copes with this when she had it so much worse." Rae sniffed and wiped at her tears roughly.

"Yeah but it not a competition is it?" Finn took her hands into his, "We're not gonna have the suffering Olympics are we?" Rae scoffed gently and sniffed again.

"No." She shook her head slowly, "that's a stupid idea."

"Right. So no comparing what you went through to Chloe, right?" Rae nodded. "You got enough to get through without feeling like you're not allowed to feel violated or anything else you feel." He kissed her forehead gently.

"Can you make me not feel his hands Finn?" She asked softly.

"I'll do anything you need girl." She slowly took her shirt off and he gently put his hands on her sides. She put her face into his neck, her arms loosely around his neck, and breathed him in while he slowly moved his hands across her back. She flinched when his fingertips found the roll of fat Saul had squeezed and he stopped moving. His fingers still touching her there. She squeezed her eyes shut and tightened her arms around him. Finn understood that Saul had done something to her here. He stayed still for a long time, except for a soft stroking of his fingertips along the gentle fold of her skin. He could feel the moisture of her tears against his neck but he kept his hands on her back. When her crying slowed he moved his hand slowly over the area that had made her cry, feeling her tremble he paused again. She turned her tear stained face to his and they kissed slowly, deeply. She put one of her hands over his and moved it to her stomach, he felt the stiches and his eye opened up widely. He whipped his eyes down to look.

"He cut you…" Finn's voice was small and filled with pain for her. She nodded.

"I don't know which he wanted to do more; cut me or fuck me." Finn gently touched the cut and felt ill.

"He would o' killed you."

"Eventually." Rae agreed, "After he'd had enough fun." She looked down, "He would o' waited a long time afore he did it though." Finn put his hands on either side of the cut, not wanting to hurt her by touching it.

"Can you tell me…" He could barely squeeze the words out, "what… what…"

"What he did to me?" Finn nodded, his mouth feeling stuffed with stones and cotton wool as the tears caught in the back of his throat.

"He grabbed me downstairs." She said softly, "I remembered to use his weight against him but, and I threw him." Finn smiled and clung on to that, the idea of more self-defence classes firming in his mind. "But the doors were dead bolted so I ran upstairs to go out me window. But…" She looked away, "But he got me." She stood up and he sat back on his heels to let her move away from him; she walked to the mirror and he saw the yellowing bruises on her back where he had obviously squeezed her. He stood up carefully and followed her to the mirror, he stood beside her and gently touched her bruises, his eyes falling to the cut on her stomach. He looked at her face and gently ran his fingers along the yellowing bruise there, letting his hand slowly travel to the taped cuts on her neck. He'd already seen these injuries every day since he'd woken up in hospital, but they were no less horrifying to him.

"He…" She looked in the mirror. She already knew that her bra was hiding the bruises on her left breast, he had squeezed it so hard she had felt sure he had broken something inside of her. There were still deep purple-ish finger marks and she had been avoiding looking at her breasts since it had happened, not wanting to see those marks. She reached back and unhooked her bra, letting it fall from her, knowing that the bruises would say what he had done better than any words she used. She saw Finn look away and close his eyes, sense that he had stopped breathing as the emotions went through him. He slowly turned his face back to her and slowly raised his hand to her left breast. He touched her slowly, carefully, with great reverence and aching love. She watched him gently stroke the place Saul had violated, she felt almost as if she had given him permission to reclaim her body as his, but that he was gently trying to reclaim it as hers.

"He touched me, and cut me… and told me he loves me." Rae looked at herself in the mirror, but Finn kept his eyes on the side of her face as she spoke. One hand on the bruises on her back, the other on the bruises on her breast.

"He said if I didn't do what he said, didn't talk to him and tell him I loved him that…" She started to cry, "I told him I love him…" Finn slowly took her into his arms and whispered to her.

"It's ok."

"No… I said those words to him before I'd said them to you." She cried, "He said… He said he cut my throat and fuck me while I bled out." She covered her face with her hands, "I'm sorry Finn."

"You had no choice but to do as he said." Finn soothed gently, "it didn't mean nothing."

"But I said… I said…"

"It meant nothing Rae." He gently stroked her hair, "all it meant was that you didn't want to die." He put his lips to her shoulder and kissed her.

"You took on a man with a knife for me. And I wouldn't even save those words for only you." She looked down, ashamed, "I'm such a coward."

"No you're not." He said calmly, "you did the right thing." He turned her face to him gently, "I wouldn't o' survived if you'd died." He said honestly, "everything you did to save yourself was an act of love for me." Her eyes fell to his mouth, wanting to believe him, she nodded slowly. She reached over and took his shirt off. She let her eyes linger on the wound for the first time, tears sliding down her face. She put a fingertip beside it and traced the length of it.

"I wouldn't of survived without you either." She said with a vulnerability that pulled at him; he would do anything to protect her. He leaned in and kissed her lips, a sob in his throat, the emotion threatening to overwhelm him.

"I nearly lost you." He whispered, remembering that he had thought that losing her by breaking up was the worst thing that could happen to him; he knew differently now.

"I nearly lost you." She shook her head, "seeing you like that Finn…" They kissed again Rae turning her body to his. They stood, foreheads touching, trying to make sense of what had happened.

"There's more." She said softly. But Finn had known there would be. He nodded slowly, his fingertips finding hers. "He told me he were gonna take me to his place, and keep me there." He kissed her lips, feeling so grateful that he had gotten home before then, if Saul had taken her, Finn wouldn't have known where to find her. "So…" She stopped, her breath hiccoughing in her throat, tears closing her vocal chords off.

"So you had to delay him till I got here…" Finn finished for her.

"No." She sniffed, "No I tried to speed him up, tried to get him to take me sooner, so he wouldn't be able to hurt you." Finn was stunned and he stared at her, not knowing what to think or feel, "So… so when he told me… to…" She looked away, "To touch him. "Finn's jaw clenched, he knew where this was going. "I thought if I got him to…" Her face pulled into a sneer of disgust.

"You tried to make him cum, so he'd take you from the house before I got here." She nodded in response, her eyes locked on the floor. "You did that to try and save my life. You tried to protect me." He gently raised her face, "you were willing to go with him to a place you might have never gotten out of… a place where he would have hurt you, cut you and raped you and tortured you… and probably killed you… so that I might not get hurt." She nodded, tears of shame blurring her vision of him. She lowered her eyes and tried to stop her tears.

"You call yourself a coward?" He asked and she looked up at him bewildered. "I can't believe you did that for me." Rae saw the look on his face and realised he was serious.

"But it didn't work, I couldn't… couldn't do it properly… and I failed you." She cried.

"Well I nearly died so my plan didn't exactly pan out either." He answered, he shook his head and pulled her into his arms, "So that's what were happening when I came in?" She nodded and Finn took a deep breath. "I love you girl. You're a fierce warrior." He whispered to her and she sobbed gently. "Let's get away from this mirror yeah?" He asked her and she led the way back to the bed. "I'll get you a new mirror." And she smiled.

"Alright." She sat on the bed and he knelt in front of her again, taking her into his arms and kissing her deeply.

"Where do you want me to touch you?" He thought about it and added, "Where do you want me to not touch you?"

"I always want you to touch me." She answered her fingers went to his mouth, "everywhere." He kissed her and let his hands slowly, gently, caress her body.

"We don't have to make love if you don't want to." He said honestly, "There are some bruises and cuts that I can't see." He touched stroked her hair, "and I don't wanna make them worse by wanting you so much… or by making you feel like you owe me or you have to or you should… or like this is something you should do to get over it." He gently kissed her lips, "I'll wait as long as it takes for you to be alright." He took her face in his hands and looked into her eyes, "because the most important thing to me Rae, is that you're alright."

"No." Rae responded, "No I need you to make love to me." She answered. Finn swallowed and looked down at her cut.

"And you'll be alright? You'll tell me if…"

"I'll always tell you if something's not right." Finn nodded and kissed her lips gently. She reached down and carefully undid his pants, she started to laugh through her tears and his kisses.

"What?" He started to grin, her laughter infectious.

"How are we gonna do this?" She asked, "Look at us!" Her humour stopped short as she looked down at his stapled wound.

"We'll find a way." He grinned, "We always do." He put his hands over hers and helped her take his pants off slowly. She stood up in front of him and he kissed her stomach gently, avoiding her stitches and slowly pulled her pants down. When she stood before him naked he put his arms around her and rested his head on her stomach, and she ran her fingers through his hair. His normal smooth ascent was marred by having to use the drawers to get up, protecting his wound and they both started to laugh softly, pain and fear still screeching through their bodies and tempering all good feelings.

"Do you wanna try me on top?" She asked and Finn shook his head.

"I wanna crawl between your thighs Mrs Nelson." He kissed her and she slowly sat and then laid on the bad, Finn carefully traveling with her until he paused between her thighs and carefully found a way to support himself without too much difficulty. He managed to stroke her hair and keep his eyes on hers as he slowly slid inside of her warmth. He gasped as if he'd never experienced her before, and saw her mouth open in the same gasp. She wrapped her arms around him and the warmth of her body felt like home.

"I love you." She whispered to him her thighs tightening around him, enveloping him.

"I love you." He pushed himself to be as deep inside of her as he could and moved with slow gentle movements, staying as deep as he could, seeking out her lips, kissing her slowly with all the emotion he had in him, all is love, all his admiration for her, all the fear of losing her, everything he was.

He found himself crying and was not surprised to see tears on her cheeks. He looked at her face, more in love than ever. Rae could feel herself falling in love with him all over again as they made love, their bodies barely moving, but every cell in their bodies sung in resonance with each other as if their souls were united as well. Every movement, every breath was synchronised with no thought, matched with no pre-empting. They were one, they were united completely. Rae stayed in the moment completely, her whole being focused on Finn, thoughts of other things gone, and she knew he was equally in the present moment.

They lost track of time passing, of the world around them, of anything but their bodies united in love.

A slow building of Rae's pleasure started to feel like liquor in her belly, filling her up with a giddy warmth. She moaned deeply and marvelled to hear him moaning in the same moment. But they did not speed up for their growing orgasm, they stayed slow, focused on each other, and the heat spread through them slowly, gently peaking in long simultaneously drawn out orgasms.

"I love you Rae." He whispered as he emptied himself into her.

"I love you." She gasped, "Finn." The vulnerability and painful honesty of their love making made them pause, staring into each other's eyes.

"You really are the one Rae." He breathed, "there's no one, nothing else, I want." She stroked his face, "Or need. I only see you. You really are the love of my life." She smiled and nodded.

"I know exactly what you mean." She whispered, "You're my everything." They kissed, a feeling of completeness passing between them.

Neither of them wanted to disentangle their bodies. But slowly the world crept in and Rae worried for Finn and he had to acknowledge that he ached. So he carefully sat up and looked down at his wound, gently weeping.

"Oh no." Rae said when she noticed the weep.

"It's fine." He said. "The pamphlet said it were normal." He looked up at her, "I love you." He grinned, "I feel like I can't stop saying it now!"

"I know!" Rae grinned, almost gushing, "It's like the words are bursting from me. Like… I dunno… I feel so much love for you, that I just want to say it all the time… no I have to say it all the time."

"Aye!" He agreed, "I dunno how I went this long without telling you how much I love you." She paused and looked at his face.

"Can't believe the fittest lad in school is telling me that." He laughed, and she blushed and bit her bottom lip happily, "I still can't believe that I get to touch you." She smiled, "What did I do deserve you?" She shook her head, "I mean I'm just me."

"Aye exactly." He said meaningfully.

"Oh but Finn, you don't understand how beautiful y'are." She gushed and he was taken by how perfect she was in that moment, "How your eyes sit so perfectly under those eyebrows, and the colour of your eyes, and the way you look at me… and your jawline is like some perfect example o' sexiness." He listened, feeling like he did when he read her diary, but even more, almost as if he were drunk on her enthusiasm, "And your mouth… your mouth is… I can't even find words for how beautiful your mouth is… I could sit and look at it for days. And your arms Finn… they're so sexy, the muscles in them make me wanna weep… and I get to touch them." She seemed absurdly pleased with herself and Finn could do nothing but smile at her, "Every time I see you naked I honestly feel as though I've fallen into some alternate universe where there is nothing wrong or bad in the world ever, anywhere, because your naked body actually makes the whole world a better place." Finn started to laugh, "Don't laugh!" She said. "You have no idea how perfect y'are."

"I know how perfect you think I am, and that's all that matters to me." He answered honestly, and she blushed and smiled shyly. "You haven't gotten to me arse yet, so I'm not ready for you to stop." Finn teased.

"Stop it!" She hit his arm lightly, embarrassed. But they shared a grin, the tension, pain and fear of the past week starting to ease.

"Shower?" He slowly got up and reached out a hand to her and she took it smiling, feeling almost as if she could stand to be in her room on her own one day. But not now. Right now the only way she'd be in this house is if Finn were here too.

"I do like how quickly your shower warms up." He put his hand under the running water and Rae tried to find her brush; her hair desperately needed a good brush.

"My brush is gone." She said softly.

"I there anything else missing?" He asked and she went back out to her room, the first place she looked was her underwear draw.

"The green underwear." She called back to him and he came to the doorway.

"So that fucker had time to steal some of your stuff before the fuzz got here. Fucking pathetic!" He said angrily.

"You know what, I'm gonna go through all my stuff later. Cos right now we're having a moment, and I'm not gonna let him ruin it." She answered resolutely walking back to him. And Finn took a deep calming breath.

"Agreed." He took her into his arms and kissed her lips, "Can I wash you?"

"Well I have missed it." She grinned as she got into the shower and invited him in. She carefully soaped his body, avoiding the wound, but revelling in the feel of him beneath her hands. "I think I may have missed this more though." She said as she ran her soapy hand along the length of his cock. He chuckled and leaned against the wall of the shower and watched her move as she bent down to wash his legs.

When it was his turn to wash Rae, Finn took his time, taking in every inch of her as he ran the soap over her. Washing Rae was one of this favourite things to do and he took it very seriously. And he intended to wash all of her perfectly, including conditioning her hair.

When he pulled his hand away from washing her vagina there was blood and he looked down at it confused.

"Rae?" He sounded panicked and she looked at his hand.

"Oh period." She groaned.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"It's due." She shook her head and he groaned.

"I just got out o' hospital!" He bemoaned and she chuckled grimly.

"I think there's a reason why they call it the curse."

_'Colour me Once' by Violent Femmes_

_Dear Diary_

_I'm sorry it's been so many weeks since I last wrote._

_So much has happened since then, but also so little. _

_I've just been so busy I haven't even had the time to wipe me own arse!_

Rae read over her last diary entry and shook her head as Archie and Chop packed things into her car, Finn smoking and sitting beside her; sometimes he still felt weak and he had promised her he wouldn't push himself too hard.

_The last time I wrote me period had just started and we was at my place for the first time since… you know…_

_That were so long ago. I've actually had another period since then and I can tell you that they're not getting any less frustrating. Possibly even more!_

_Anyway, since I last wrote, Finn and I are all caught up on our school work, and he got an A on his English essay, should o' seen his face! He were so pleased with himself. And his da nearly peed himself he were so happy. I got an A+ but I only got a B on me biology which I don't mind really. Finn's actually really clever. He always thought he were so dumb, but he's so smart. I think he were just bored. We're starting on poetry, probably Yeats, after the break and I know he's not too happy about that. But I know he'll be fine!_

_And diary, he's still just as sexy as ever. I don't think I'll ever get tired of looking at him. He's told me that he loves me like 14, 000 times now and I never get tired of hearing him say those words. _

_He really is the perfect man. _

_What else?_

_Rhys started Finn on a rehabilitation regime the first day Finn were out o' hospital. I were right worried about it but Rhys really knows what he's doing and Finn's strength has been returning much faster than expected, Dr Kraus comments on it every time she sees him. The wound looks a lot better now, more healed up, he can swim and jog and stuff, but still no heavy boxing or real hard fucking. It takes time diary. Finn's pretty impatient to get back to full strength. I don't blame him. _

_Even though there's been no sight nor sound of Saul (I hate even writing his name diary) he's always hanging over me head. But everyone's been real good at making sure I'm not left alone and I really like that, cos whenever I am alone, even for a second, panic starts to take me. I jump at every noise, and I get real scared he's gonna come for me. Sometimes I wake up at night screaming, diary. Finn thinks it's always just remembering what happened, but it's more than that. It's seeing Finn pass out, it's being so utterly powerless to stop anything, it's knowing it could happen again. I try not to think about it._

_I wonder if this is how Chloe feels about Ian and the way he threatened to come after her, and all the things he did to her. It should have been so clear it were Saul stalking me, shit sticks together don't it?_

_Um…_

_Mum and Karim came back from Tunisia, both with tans… bastards. And mum started therapy with some mother's group for women with post natal depression. I think she's got pills to take too. It's really settled her mood a lot, but I'm still quite worried about her. When I told her what had happened with Saul, she were right upset and she decided to change the carpet in me room. Which I'm glad about. But she been right on edge since then and every time she sees Finn shirtless she looks at his scar and shakes her head, real upset like. Karim were pretty upset too and he's put better locks on all the windows and we got an alarm system now. Much safer. But it cost so much that we got a little bit of debt now and I know how that stresses me mum. But I'm so glad they did it I feel a lot better and safer, but I still won't be in the house without Finn, and mum and Karim are being pretty good about that. _

_Aiesha is so big now! And she never shuts up – always making sounds and fidgeting and staring at things. And she loves her elephant – constantly throwing it around. Actually, she kinda throws everything around. And she grabs everything and puts it in her mouth. Everything. She put me diamond in her mouth yester! And she's constantly sucking people's fingers. Poor Finn; he always ends up taking her when the rest of us are feeling a bit grumpy. I don't know how he handles us Earl women so well!_

_Finn had me necklace replaced. Obviously the diamond is still the same, but the necklace it were on is totally new now. He had a whole new one made. I think the old one were too… I dunno tainted to just be repaired. When he gave it back to me we made love and it were perfect. He calls me Mrs Nelson all the time now. Sometimes he'll still say Miss Earl, but mostly it's Mrs Nelson. And I don't mind which way he goes, because I know he's the one for me, and I'm the one for him, I've never been more sure of anything. _

_I found that comb he were buying when… that stuff were happening, and I put it in me drawer in me room. I want to wear it, but I think it'll be too painful for him to see. So maybe in the future I can. But not now. Finn's been through enough. Sometimes it's him having the nightmares diary. But he won't talk about it. It takes time. _

_What else has happened?_

_Izzy got out of hospital with her cancer in remission, I thought that meant that she were in the clear, but no, that means she's got like 2 years of different types of chemo to go through to kill it. But she less fragile now, and she can eat a little more, so that's good, cos today we're taking her to the coast for a few days. The Easter holidays are finally here!_

Izzy was coughing when Finn and Rae pulled up in their car, Chloe and Archie on the back seat.

"Alright?" Chop's voice was filled with concern, his body tense, ready to catch her if she collapsed.

"I'm fine." She said through the coughs, "It's nothing." Chop had been worrying about this outing since they'd organised it. Izzy was still frail, and her immune system was still compromised. Her father had told Chop that of he loved Isabella, he wouldn't take her off to the sea away from her doctors, in danger of catching who knows what. There was still a lot of tension between Chop and Bradley, but he had apologised to Chop, so Izzy was allowing her father back into her life. Chop was inclined to agree with Bradley, but Izzy so wanted to do this. And part of Chop wanted to give her everything she had ever wanted as soon as possible. Just in case. But Chop fussed and wouldn't let her carry anything as they unpacked. He fretted and was unsure of his decision.

Izzy shambled over to greet them as they got out of the car, a huge expectant grin on her face. Archie had organised 3 bedroom caravan with its own bathroom and covered veranda for 3 nights within walking distance to the beach.

"Nice job Arch!" Finn approved, and Chloe and Rae were dragged by Izzy into the caravan.

"Everyone's gotta choose a room." She was saying.

"I don't know why she says everyone, when we all know she means the girls are gonna sort this out." Chop shook his head.

"Well I know I'll be in the bunk beds room." Archie grinned, "It's just the two double beds that need to be decided." He grabbed a bag and headed into the caravan. Chop and Finn looked at each other.

"There's not a chance we're getting a say in this." Finn said and Chop nodded.

"None." He agreed as they set about bringing everything in. For Finn this was an interesting outing because the last time he'd been out this way had been with his mother and father. He had so many happy photos of himself with his mum at Skegness. When he looked at them now, he could see that she was sad, but smiling for him. He tried to not think about any of that. It was too painful and confusing and there was guilt and shame mixed underneath everything. He felt tired and knew that he was pushing himself a little today and Dr Kraus would be most annoyed at him if she knew. Finn felt very beholden to her in regards to his recovery, because she had done the surgery that had saved his life and she travelled from London every two weeks to see him, and she had told him no uncertain terms just how close he had come to dying. But more importantly he had promised Rae to not push it. He made a mental note to slow down a little today and went into the caravan.

As Archie had predicted, he and Chloe were sharing the bunk beds. Rae had insisted that Chop and Izzy take the larger of the two bedrooms so the tiny room they had was almost filled entirely by bed.

"Oh well this is perfect." He grinned as he laid down on the bed. Rae crawled up beside him and kissed him passionately. He groaned and his hand found its way under her shirt, feeling the soft skin of her back.

"D'you know, I heard that groan." Archie said, standing at their doorway. Rae and Finn looked up at him innocently. "You got a fucking curtain for a door." He pulled on the turquoise and red monstrosity that was pretending to be a door, "keep it down." He grinned as Finn threw a pillow at him and Rae groaned louder, lustier, sounding an awful lot like an orgasm.

"Are they at it already?" Chop asked Archie.

"They'd hardly be at it while I'm standing in the fucking doorway!" Archie snarked.

"I dunno, this is Rae and Finn we're talking about." Izzy backed Chop and Rae opened her mouth in surprise.

"We're not that bad!" She countered, laughing.

"Except for that time you actually did shag in front o' me." Archie reminded them.

"You're fucking dead from the neck up, aren't you?" Finn shook his head at Archie who gave him the finger.

"You walked in!" Rae said, "You make it sound like we just up and did stuff while you was sitting there."

"You five need to stop talking about sex when some of us aren't getting any." Chloe said as she took her top off, a bikini top already on underneath. "Let's get to the fucking beach!"

Izzy started to jiggle excitedly. And Archie ducked back into his room to get changed. Finn grinned at Rae and she pulled a face that told him she was nervous. He leaned over and kissed her again.

"Let's go!" Izzy grinned, but Chop stopped her as she started to go out the door.

"Sunscreen." He ordered and gave an unimpressed look towards the sunny outside world, "How can it be so bloody hot when it's only spring?" Chop complained. There had been a heatwave over the past few days, everyone but Chop thought this was good news. Chop was worried that Izzy would get sunburned; the chemotherapy made her more susceptible to it. Izzy groaned in frustration but took her shirt off, also already wearing her swimmers.

Finn got up and closed the curtain to their room so he could get changed. Rae paused and watched Finn undressing. He moved much easier now, as if he'd almost forgotten the scar that still rose from his skin in an angry red gash. Rae still found it hard to look at that scar; it was a reminder of the single most traumatic day of her life.

She slowly put her swimming costume on and saw Finn grinning at her.

"Same one you was wearing the first time I saw you half naked." He commented when he saw her looking at him. He slipped his hands over her hips, his pelvis tilted towards her and kissed her lustily. "I been keen to get you back in water since Sutherland." He said in a low voice and she gave him a grim look. "What?"

"Nothing." She replied and put her hand to the necklace. "I think I should take it off for the beach, I don't wanna risk losing it." She frowned. Finn reached his hands up to undo the clasp. He gently took it off and look at the pink scars around her neck. Her ran his fingers down her cheek and allowed the feelings of gratitude that she was still alive flood over him.

"Shall we?" He motioned towards the door.

"I'll be there in a sec." He nodded and went through the curtain, his black board shorts clinging to his arse in a way that made Rae stare longingly at him as he left.

When Rae came out moments later, Izzy was refusing to put on a hat that Chop was insisting she wear. Finn looked over to her and the grin on his face froze. She was wearing a gigantic shirt that covered her right down to just above her knees.

"C'mon then!" Archie started heading off to the beach Chloe, Izzy and Chop in tow. Finn held out his hand to Rae and she took it meekly. He decided to abstain from commenting on the shirt; if it made her happy, she could wear whatever she wanted.

_'Ordinary World' by Duran Duran_

Izzy's breath caught in her throat as she looked out across the blue water stretching on forever. A gentle breeze played with the hat that she'd eventually agreed to wear. Chop gently slipped a hand around her waist and watched her from the corner of his eyes.

_To think I might have died without seeing this._

Her eyes fell to the shoreline, the waves gently caressing the yellow sand; the sound of the waves never ceasing was the most beautiful music she'd ever heard.

_It goes on forever._

_Or as forever as I'll ever understand. _

_I don't think people can understand what forever really means cos we die. So soon. _

Izzy turned her eyes to take in her friends, all watching the ocean move against the shoreline.

Archie stood with a bunch of towels in his hands and grinned happily. Finn had snuck his hand down to Rae's arse and Izzy had to smile at his addiction to Rae. She saw the wind flicking Chloe and Rae's hair back and thought of how her own hair would have looked in this breeze as she looked back at the ocean. But her face, her head… all of her hair was completely gone. She had refused to wear a wig or a scarf. She didn't even know why she refused. She just didn't see the point in trying to hide this, or deny it in anyway. She took a deep breath the ocean air stinging her as the breeze whipped up. Her lungs protested slightly at the deep breath, but she wasn't going to miss this for anything. She turned to Chop, his face forward, but his eyes turned to her.

"I love you." She whispered to him, "thank you for doing this for me." Chop stroked her face and kissed her gently before she turned back to look at the water.

She stepped into the sand and giggled when she felt the heat of the sun on the tiny granules. She sunk into the sand slightly, the coarse grains sliding between her toes and she looked down at the sand with joy.

She slipped off her hat and let it drop, the wind picking it up and carrying it back towards their caravan. Chop tried to catch it, but he was too slow. He grimaced, but she was gone, walking slowly towards the water, her eyes transfixed on the sparkling waves.

Chop felt his guts clench when he noticed a few people turn to look at her; her bald head shining in the sunlight. He wanted to shake those people, tell them that they weren't fucking helping, and why did they have to stare?

But she didn't see them. She was in her own world. Chop shoved his things into Archie's already full arms and set out after her.

She stopped at the edge of the water and gasped as the cold water licked her toes. It was such a strange, but not unwelcome, contrast, the hot sun beating down on her back, the cold water on her feet.

_Life is so impermanent._

_I never really understood that until now. _

_Death is stalking us all from the moment we draw our first breath. _

_I feel as though I've never lived my life. _

_And it could end at any moment. _

_I know that too well. _

Her eyes scanned the horizon.

_How can the ocean just go on forever?_

_When nothing else does?_

_When life doesn't?_

She walked further into the water, feeling all the pain and uncertainty, all the tears in the middle of the night when no one else was around, falling away from her.

_Pascal said that we'd all die alone._

_I've only just started to understand that. It don't mean physically, it mean mentally._

_There can be a hundred people there… or just your lover and some doctors… or no one… it makes no difference. Because you're always alone with your own thoughts. _

_And what are the thoughts that go through your head when you're dying?_

_Right at that moment when you see the light leave someone's eyes; are there any thoughts? Are you really alone?_

_I so want it to not be true. _

_Because if it is… _

She couldn't let herself finish that thought. Her fingers unconsciously traced along her scar as she took another deep breath, the salt air steadying her urge to cry.

The heaviness that she had felt was lifting as the water supported her.

She kept going, wanting to go as deep into the ocean as she could. Perhaps she'd swim until she couldn't see the shore.

But Chop was beside her, and he made her remember herself. She laughed when she saw his concern and threw her arms around his neck. He picked her up out of the water into his arms and plunged deeper into the ocean with a grin on his face.

Archie looked up from his careful setting up of their towels when Izzy squealed in delight loudly. Chop was laughing as he let her dunk him.

"I'll set up." Rae said, "You guys go!" Chloe grinned and ran toward the water, Archie following closely. Rae's eyes scanned the beach. There were about a 30 or so people lounging about on the sand nearby, another dozen in the water. She saw the looks Izzy was getting. There was a group of five beautiful girls lounging in bikinis that Rae eyed as they laughed and joked, looking at fit boys. She'd seen them glance at Izzy and whisper together. But now they seemed occupied by a bunch of lads running around with a football.

"I might not swim." Rae said softly, the huge shirt flapping about her in the breeze. Finn furrowed his brows and looked out at the ocean.

"But it's perfect weather." He looked back at her, "why wouldn't you want to swim?" She stared out at the water; she so wanted to swim, but she couldn't bring herself to be seen in font of this many people.

"Because it's kinda crowded." Finn put her hand on his chest.

"You feel me heartbeat?" He asked carefully.

"It's not a panic attack." She looked away, not wanting to say what the problem was, but knowing Finn wouldn't leave it alone, "I'm too fat." The words were barely audible, but she saw Finn pull back from her and look at her long and hard. He looked around the beach at all the people, and then at the water and considered this.

"Nope." He said after a while.

"Nope?" She repeated.

"Aye that's what I said." He said, the stubbornness already clear, "You're gonna come swimming with me Rae Nelson, cos you're me girl and I wanna frolic in the water with you."

"Frolic?" She asked bemused and he nodded resolutely, but she shook her head, "I can't Finn… it's embarrassing." She whispered.

"I'm not listening to you." He said with a shrug, "get your shirt off, let's go." He ordered.

"Finn!" She almost stomped her foot she was so cross with him.

"You can get as cross as you like, but I'm not listening to you when you're talking utter bullshite like this. Anything else you say I'll listen to for hours, but not shite like this." She opened her mouth to reply but he kept speaking, "you have a very wrong opinion of yourself." He said firmly, "so I'm not listening to that bullshite. That's it."

"It's not my opinion I'm worried about." Rae retorted.

"Why would you be worried about a bunch o' strangers?"

"Cos they'll laugh."

"I'll punch 'em all!" He grinned.

"You can't punch 'em all!" She tried to stay cross.

"Watch me!"

"What if it's a 10 year old?"

"Then he'll of learned an important lesson about how bullshite his opinion were!" Finn said with a straight face, his eyes sparkling with mirth, "so maybe other people have a very wrong opinion of you too. You can't let that control you." He touched her face and then grinned, "In fact, you know what? The only person in the world that has an accurate, totally non-bullshite opinion about you, is me." He said with a smug grin, "so we'll be going with my opinion about this kind o' stuff from now on." Rae narrowed her eyes at him, "you're perfect." He said meaningfully, "you're beautiful. I love you." He smiled and she had to force herself to not return the smile, "Now come swim with me."

She looked down, willing herself to be brave enough to take the shirt off, but Finn's lips were on hers, his body pressed against her, his kiss insistent, powerfully sexual, and her body responded to him, melting into his sensually. She felt his hands on her hips and sighed softly as they continued up her body. Before she knew it he had lifted the shirt off her and she stood there in his arms as he threw the shirt to the ground. He kissed her again, one hand squeezing her arse while the fingers of his other slid under one of the straps to her swimmers, it was obvious he had to stop himself from slipping the strap from her shoulder. He kissed from her mouth, down her chin and neck to her shoulder, his fingers gently tugging on the strap. His other hand moved up her back, writing words on her bare back.

_I want you_

_I love you_

She sighed, almost feeling as beautiful and sexy as he thought she was.

"You're perfect." He murmured as his hands went to her hair, "so beautiful. So sexy." He looked in her eyes, "Now come frolic." His lips pushed out as he said that word, a huge grin on his face, his mouth still open even when he'd stop speaking. Rae couldn't stop starting at his face.

"I love you." She answered seriously, "You are far too good for me."

"Rubbish." He took her hand and nodded towards the water, "ready?" She nodded, happiness swelling up her chest.

Finn began to lead her towards the water but she stepped out first, wanting to be the one to lead the way. Wanting to hold her head high. Finn took her lead gladly, and didn't notice if anyone stared; he was too busy staring.

_'I wanna Get High' by Cypress Hill_

Rae leaned into Finn as she sat happily on the sand. Chop threw another log on the bonfire and settled down beside Izzy. Rae didn't even mind that there were heaps of other people here; lots of people their age. Didn't mind that the bikini girls from earlier were sitting on the other side of the bonfire eyeing Finn, and Chop and Archie for that matter. She was still on a high from jumping around in the ocean all afternoon with the gang. Someone put on a radio and a bong was started up, bottles of beer already in everyone's hands.

The bong came their way and Finn checked the cone.

"Need repacking?" Asked the guy that had brought the drugs.

"I think so." Finn answered and leaned over to him.

"Cool man." He took the bong back, "purple Buddha." He said as packed the cone. "Come get some from me any time you want."

"Alright." Finn tried not to grin, he looked back at Rae who was chatting with Izzy and Chloe, clearly scoping out boys for Chloe.

"I'm Woody. That big bird your lass?" He asked and Finn looked back at him.

"Yeah." Finn replied slowly, not sure where this was going.

"You bring her with you, and I'll give you weed for free." He winked and handed the bong back.

"Alright." Finn said with a confused look, but he watched as Woody wrote down his address and number and handed it to him. "Why?"

"Cos I like her." Woody said with a grin.

"But she with me."

"Yeah. I respect that dude. But it don't mean I don't like her." He shrugged.

"So you live round here?" Finn gauged Woody with a wary eye.

"Yeah man. It's cool. But sometimes I'm up in Stamford with me dad. Where you live?" His eyes strayed to Rae and Finn felt his heckled raise.

"Stamford."

"Great maybe we'll catch up. Get high. Talk shit. Quote Queen lyrics."

"Queen lyrics?"

"Fat bottomed girls, you make the rocking world go round." Woody laughed and played with his long hair. He had a grungy feel to him, as if the early 90s had never quite left him.

"Oh right." Finn shook his head, not sure what to make of him.

"Ah, if she weren't your girl mate, I'd been all up in her knickers by now." Steve looked up at the stars philosophically, "but you gotta respect love man." He looked back at Finn, "cos loves is what holds the whole world together. All the tiny spaces between atoms are filled up with love gluing everything together perfectly." He grinned, "If you don't respect love man… you deserve to be shat on… and for maggots to eat that shit off you… but then keep going through to your eyes." Finn nodded slowly.

"Yeah…"

"I knew you'd get it man." Steve nodded, "gonna smoke that?" Finn looked down at the bong he was holding, having totally forgotten it.

"Aye." He nodded and Woody handed him a large baggie of pot.

"Enjoy man." Woody grinned as he got up and wondered off, Finn watching him leave, shaking his head. He pulled his lighter out and pulled on the bong deeply, holding the smoke in his lungs he passed the bong on to Rae who took the lighter and looked at the bong, trying to hide her confusion. Finn tried to hold his laughter in, trying to keep the smoke in as long as he could but ended up laughing at her. He moved back in closely to her and pointed at the top of the bong; a coke bottle with a hole punched in it, a length of hose coming out of the hiole, water in the bottom of the coke bottle.

"Put your lips on the top there." He took the lighter back, "Hold your finger over that little hole there." He pointed out a small hole three quarters of the way up the bottle, "When I light the cone down here, you just suck, right?" She nodded and put her mouth on the top of the bottle. Finn lit the marijuana that was packed in a metal cone at the end of the hose. Rae sucked and the water bubbled. "Go as deep as you can and hold it in." When Rae had finished Finn pulled another and passed it on to Chop.

"Holy fuck." Rae aid as she slowly let the smoke out.

"How d'you feel?"

"Really good." She nodded slowly a deep, mellow relaxation spreading through her. Chop nearly didn't let Izzy have any but she gave him such an angry glare that he gave in very quickly.

Finn leaned into Rae and kissed her slowly and messily and she loved the way everything felt so slow and easy going. She giggled when she felt his hand travelling up her thighs over her pants, nestling on her cunt firmly.

"There's so many people around." She giggled.

"So?" He kissed her neck, "let's fuck." She felt herself swaying slowly to the music, her body lazily heating up.

"Finn." Rae turned her head to Archie, her brain feeling like it was in a bowl of jelly, she giggled.

"Finn." Archie repeated, "Let's get some more beer." Finn got up slowly and grinned at her.

"To be continued Miss Earl."

"Alright Mr Earl." He grinned and giggled slowly as he bent over for another kiss.

"Come on fucker." Chop tapped Finn's arse and Finn turned to go with Chop and Archie happily.

Rae turned to Chloe and Izzy, both with slightly glazed over eyes. Chloe grinned and that started all three girls off laughing. They scooted in to be sitting together.

"That guy's looking at you." Izzy said to Chloe and Chloe turned to stare at him.

"Yes I think he is." She grinned.

"Do you think you're ready?" Rae asked as she stared at the fire thoughtfully. Chloe looked into the fire, in an oddly philosophical mood.

"Who can say? What does ready mean?" She shrugged, "the world is full of pain and sorrow. And only through the experience of pleasure and joy can we combat that pain and sorrow."

"You're so right." Rae answered as if her eyes had been opened to some great truth.

"I know." Chloe nodded seriously, her eyes straying back to the fit lad that had been looking at her. A tall lanky guy approached them and all three girls looked up at him with curiosity.

"I saw you swimming earlier." He said to Izzy, "what happened to your head?" Chloe and Rae both opened their mouths in shock, Rae scrambling with her hazy mind to come up with a retort. But Izzy grinned.

"Cancer!" She said as if she were declaring that they could all have puppies and kittens. She pulled aside her shirt to show her left collarbone, the port scar obvious, "This is where they put the drugs in me." She giggled and looked up at him. "I just did the induction phase… next I'm onto the consolidation phase."

"So you still got it?"

"I still got it!" She laughed and flopped back into the sand.

"What's your name?" He asked as he sat down, Chloe and Rae giving him a slight sneer.

"Izzy."

"Wanna hang out Izzy?"

Finn pulled up his shirt and looked down at his scar, Archie was singing loudly as they gathered slabs of beer to take back. Their caravan was filled with alcohol. Chop poked the scar and Finn laughed.

"Stop the foreplay you two and help out." Archie ordered and Finn dropped his shirt and picked up a slab. Eventually they each carried 2 slabs, one on each shoulder, they were met with a general cheer as they returned. They found the barrels filled with ice and started to put the beer in.

"Hi." A girl in a bikini top and pair of jeans put her hand on Archie's lower back and smiled winningly at him.

"Hi." Archie kept unpacking the beer slowly.

"D'you wanna maybe hang out tonight?" She let her hand drop to his arse and Archie's smile froze on his lips.

"I don't think me boyfriend'd like that." He shrugged, "sorry." He continued to unpack the slab and the girl pulled her hand off him like he might be diseased.

"You're a faggot?"

"The fuck you say?" Chop snapped.

"You his boyfriend?" She asked with a sneer.

"That's me actually." Finn answered.

"I saw you making out with that fat slag." She looked disgusted.

"Yeah we're all in it together." Archie answered.

"Aye, and she's our queen. We do whatever she says." Finn added with a grin.

"Yeah, we're gonna have a great time the six of us fucking all night tonight." Chop agreed.

"Who's arsehole d'you think you'll fuck first?" Finn asked them both.

"Well obviously mine will get fucked first, by everyone, cos I'm the biggest faggot." Archie looked at the girl.

"The girls do like their strap-ons." Chop added.

"You're disgusting." The girl started to back off.

"Not nearly as disgusting as you." Finn shot back. Archie started to giggle as soon as she was out of ear shot.

"I don't even know… how… it's an issue." Finn shook his head in disbelief and kept unpacking.

"It doesn't affect her in any way." Archie agreed.

"Except Archie that Archie lad won't be slipping her the pink." Chop laughed.

"Strap ons?" Archie asked him and Chop started to laugh more.

"You should o' seen some o' the pornos I used to watch!"

When the boys returned the three girls were dancing slowly together. Chop and Finn had to stop as they watched the three girls clinging to each other, slowly moving to the music, laughing, looking they were in no way ever interested in male company. Archie turned to Finn and Chop and started laughing.

"What?" Chop asked.

"You two!" He laughed. "Halfway between being turned on and wanting 'em to stop." Archie shook his head and went up to them and they started to dance with him, Chloe putting one of arms around his shoulders. Finn lowered his yes for a moment and looked up at Rae through his eyebrows, founding the way she moved to be intrinsically sexual. He was gonna have her tonight. He grinned and joined in the dancing, Rae's arms going around his waist. Izzy grinned at Chop and motioned for him to come over.

"Quite a sexy dance you girls were doing." Chop said as he took her into his arms.

"There was some fucker hitting on Izzy, who wouldn't take no for an answer," Chloe said, "So I told him we was lesbians." She laughed, "Works every time." Chop nodded in response and wrapped his arms passively around Izzy, who laughed happily.

"We're gonna play titanic later on tonight." Chop whispered in her ear and she looked at him confused, "You be the ocean and I'll go down on you." Izzy opened her mouth in surprise at him and he kissed her neck slowly. She giggled, not knowing how to take what he'd said.

"Another cone!" Rae declared and Finn led her to their stuff, the bong still sitting there. He looked over and saw another three bongs going around the various group of people. The rest of the gang came over and sat with them, watching Finn clean the cone out and start packing another. They each pulled another cone.

"Go' I'm hungry." Izzy suddenly said.

"Let's head back to the caravan." Finn started to pack up the stuff.

"We can't take the drugs can we?" Chop asked.

"Aye, Steve gave 'em to me."

"What? Why? How much did they cost?" Chop asked.

"Nothing." Finn shrugged.

"That lad wants to bury his cock in you then." Chock shook his head, "There's easily a couple hundred quid o' pot here."

"Let's see how much we can get through tonight." Finn grinned, deciding not to say that it was actually Rae Steve liked. Rae was wary of the idea of guys liking her; more so than ever.

They meandered back to the caravan. Rae singing loudly, Chloe and Izzy dancing around together, the boys carrying al their gear.

In the caravan they each did another cone. Rae's head was swimming slowly. She crawled onto Finn's lap and started to kiss him.

"We're still here guys." Archie laughed. But they kept kissing messily. Izzy ate all the junk food Chop had pulled out of the bags for her and fidgeted with her port scar. Rae, still straddling Finn, nestled her head on his shoulder, her face against his neck and listened to them talking. Finn's hands moved slowly up and down her body, from her upper back down past her arse to her thighs and ankles. It was weird how uncoordinated, but totally in control she felt.

"Don't play with your port scar." Chloe said slowly to Izzy, "It'll scar worse."

"Does it hurt?" Archie asked. There was a tube under her skin there that they used to administer chemotherapy drugs to her, because the drugs themselves could destroy her flesh and skin; this tube ensured it went straight into her blood.

"Not as much as you'd think." She shrugged.

"It's like that time I smacked me head on the burb, remember?" Chop said slowly, "bled like a bitch but it didn't hurt."

"That's a vulgar phrase." Chloe said through slitted, red eyes.

"Sorry." He answered cheerily.

"Catheter don't hurt as much as you expect." Finn added.

"What's a fucking catheter?"

"It's a tube they shove up your dick so you can pee." Finn started laughing as he spoke seeing the horrified looks on Chop and Archie's faces.

"What…?" Chop's hands crept to his groin and covered himself.

"That sounds fucking painful." Archie shook his head.

"Sometimes it hurts, like when they put it in or take it out, or if you catch it wrong, but mostly you hardly notice it."

"How can you not notice a tube in your fucking cock?" Chop asked almost outraged at the idea. But everyone was giggling and falling about laughing. "Does his dick still work proper after that?" Chop asked Rae.

"Why yes it does Choppy Chop." Rae answered, "Does-" But Finn was kissing her again before she had chance to ask Chop if his cock worked properly; this was by lucky chance, not design.

"So Izzy, I heard Candace saying shit about you." Archie said, "Need me to get Chloe to punch her." Chloe laughed loudly.

"I'm not gonna punch her! Get Rae to do it – she split Finn's lip."

"And he liked it!" Chop laughed.

"I did!" He chortled, "Like a strong girl." He looked at Rae and she was blushing furiously, "gonna tie me up again?" a huge uproar of laughter greeted this and Rae laughed as she buried her face in his shoulder.

"Isn't that all anyone wants in a relationship? Good BDSM?" Archie laughed.

"Shut up Archie!" Chloe laughed, "I can't even believe you know what BDSM is!"

"Why does everyone think I'm the vanilla one?" Archie was laughing quite hard now. Finn noticed Chop saying something in Izzy's ear and her turning to him surprised and blushing slightly. Chop's hand started to travel up her thigh and she stopped him from going too high, but he whispered in her ear again and she giggle slightly, no one really noticing as Chloe and Archie debated.

"Cos y'are!" Chloe said, "Or you used to be." Chop's hand was under Izzy's skirt now and Finn looked away, trying not to be too please with himself.

"Wait, why was Candace talking shit about Izzy tough?" Rae asked and Finn shook his head internally, Izzy's focus shifted from what Chop was doing to Rae. Finn's eyes met with Chop's for a moment, Finn acknowledging the frustration in his eyes and giving him a quick nod. It was Finn's job to play wingman, to run interference.

Izzy crunched on some chips as she answered.

"When Chop and me was living next door to each other, he was dating Candace, and she were me best mate. When she found out I liked Chop we fought, and then I moved away, so we never really made up." Izzy took another mouthful of food; this being the most she'd eaten since she was diagnosed. "When I got back, she told me that Chop had dumped her, painfully." Chop giggled guiltily, "and told me I could have him, she were kinda bitter, so I said it would never happen…" She pulled a face, "when it did happen, she were right angry with me." She looked at the roof philosophically, "I been feeling real bad about it, but why should I?" Chop didn't break up with her on account o' me." Izzy said slowly, "and why can't I be with him just cos Candace was once me mate?"

"True." Chloe answered sagely. Chop leaned over to Izzy and whispered something to her again and Finn watched her cheeks colour.

"How's Tom?" He asked Archie loudly, before one of the girls cold ask any more about Candace.

"He fucks like a fucking jackhammer!" Archie laughed and ate some crisps. Everyone laughed and Finn encouraged him to continue. As Archie spoke Finn Whispered into Rae's ear.

"Chop's using the stuff I told him to do to make Izzy scream." Rae looked at him.

"You spoke to him?" She barely breathed and he nodded. She slowly turned to see Chop whispered to Izzy, her breath was held, her eyes on the floor, a look of desire on her face. And Chop's hands were deep under Izzy's skirt. "Looks familiar." She said softly and Finn grinned, biting his bottom lip.

"Run interference with me?" He asked her softly.

"Aye, of course!" She hissed excitedly.

Between them Finn and Rae stopped anyone from asking Izzy a direct question for over an hour. Rae, now sitting beside Finn, rather than on his lap, thought she saw a moment where Chop may have actually gotten his fingers into her pants, because Izzy's face went redder and she gasped softly. The table hid most of it, for Archie and Chloe, they could see nothing from their angle. But for Finn and Rae, they had an inkling of what was going on; they didn't look too closely, but they knew. And then suddenly Chop stopped, in a move Rae recognised, Chop leaned back casually as if nothing had been happening for the past hour. Izzy turned her eyes to him, confused and wanting more, but also relieved that it wasn't happening in front of her friends anymore. And then she grinned and leaned back to Chop, whispering into his ear and he turned his face to her and nodded a little too eagerly. Finn cleared his throat, apparently scratching the side of his nose, he held up one finger to Chop when he turned to look at him. A subtle reminder to remember step 1. It was only the fact that Chop made Izzy wait another 20 minutes before he stood up, while Chloe was laughing hard about Archie trying to teach her how to throw a punch properly, saying they needed to sleep, that told Finn that he's gotten the message.

Izzy practically bolted from the room and Chop sauntered after her, slowly taking a deep breath.

As soon as the flimsy wooden door to their room closed Rae and Finn gave each other a grin.

"I hope it works cos that were a fucking awkward conversation." He said softly to Rae and she squeezed his thigh in thanks. Chloe's eyes were on the door and she turned them to Rae who grinned and nodded slightly. Chloe's grin broadened as she understood that Finn had talked to Chop. Her eyes turned back to the door.

"I wonder if they'll be as noisy as you two fuckers." Archie said to Rae and Finn, pretty much oblivious to the whole thing, but having seen enough to know they weren't going to sleep.

"I hope so." Chloe said softly and laughed at Archie's shake of the head.

_'When I first met your Ma' by Paul Kelly (live)_

Izzy kissed him frantically, both wanting him more than she could ever remember and knowing that he tended to have a frenetic pace during sex. But he stopped her, gently prying her fingers from around his neck and stood her in front of him. His fingers caressed her face and she smiled, self-consciously.

_Slow down Chop._

His fingers slowly went up to where her hair would normally fall down her face and gently touched her skin. She looked down.

"Am I ugly Chop?"

"No." He answered simply and slowly let his hands slip down her body. She looked up at him.

"But I got no hair."

"Doesn't change how beautiful y'are." He shrugged, "you'll always be my Iz." He leaned down to kiss her, lifting her gently as the kiss deepened. Her arms went back around her neck and he carried her to the bed, her body pressed against his, his arms wrapped around her, their tongues slowly dancing around each other. He carefully put her onto her feet and slowly slid her clothes from her body, kissing her skin as it was revealed. Izzy watched him, her body tingling and warm. She felt her breath deepening, and her belly felt warm and expectant as his lip grazed across her stomach. He knelt before her, slowly sliding her pants down.

"You still got some beautiful red hair here." He grinned at her cheekily and she giggled, the heat in her body slowly building as his fingers slowly journeyed through her pubic hair. She expected him to dive in, but he stopped, gently sat her on the bed and raised one of her to his mouth, slowly he kissed her feet and she laughed, a slow groan of desire mixing with her mirth and he licked up her leg.

"What are you doing Chop?" She asked huskily.

"Enjoying your body." He whispered. "I decided I wanted to taste you from head to toe." He looked up to her and knew he had to slow down even more, so he immediately went to her other foot and she giggled again, her toes wriggling with ticklishness. Once his tongue made it to her knees he swept her up into his arms suddenly and she gasped loudly with surprise at the suddenness of his movement. He stood up, cradling her tiny frame in his arms and laid her on the bed, his hands caressing her legs, he slowly began to kiss her thighs. Her muscles tensed slightly

_Pay attention_

And Chop noticed that she gently parted her legs. He grinned to himself; she was anticipating what was to come. He took his time kissing up her inner thighs. He could feel her body tensing, her breath deepening still more. And then he saw something he'd never seen before; she tilted her pelvis up towards his mouth as he got closer.

_Finn was fucking right. That fucker!_

Chop marvelled as he noticed Izzy's fingers holding onto the blankets, her thighs opened, her pelvis tilted to him, her eyes on him, her mouth parted, her chest rising with desire.

He kissed her inner thigh, letting his cheek brush against her pubic hair and he heard her whimper. He licked slowly along her thighs until he was licking her pelvis, and then her lower stomach; bypassing her vagina. She groaned in disbelief.

"Chop?" But he didn't reply, just licked and kissed her stomach slowly. Her body shivered as he ran his fingers down her side, putting his hands under her arse to tilt her pelvis up more and letting his body brush against her pussy as he kissed her stomach, higher and higher. She groaned and he had to stop himself laughing.

He knelt, fully clothed between Izzy's naked thighs and slowly kissed her breasts, his hands having travelled back up her sides to be stroking her face, his mouth taking its time to find her neck, her mouth. He was taken aback by the intensity in her deep, aching kiss. She had been longing for this. She slowly started to undress him, and he let her, focusing on kissing her deeply, and only helping when it was necessary. He could feel her desire and frustration building.

_Communicate._

He started to kiss back down her body, gently sucking on her nipple.

"You like that?" He asked softly and she nodded breathlessly, "harder?"

"Yeah, a little." She giggled, unable to believe they were talking about this. She groaned as he sucked her nipple harder and ended it with a soft bite.

"Chop…" She groaned. He started on the other nipple and she put her fingers in his hair. When he bit the other nipple he felt an undeniable downward push from her hands and resisted it, instead kissing her stomach again. Her breathing was more rapid now, and he noticed her fingers curling in his hair.

"Chop…" Her voice was lusty… "Chop…" She hesitated, "go down." She breathed.

_Fucking hell._

Chop's body was aching to fuck her. But he fought that instinct. She'd never asked him to go down before.

Never.

He let his mouth slowly work its way down her stomach and she groaned loudly as his tongue tangle with her pubic hair. But he diverted, and kissed her inner thighs again. He felt her fingers tighten in his hair.

"Please?" She asked as he licked her thighs slowly. "Please Chop?"

"I'm getting there." He teased. And she groaned, her hands puling at his hair. She opened her legs further and tilted her pelvis up even more and Chop chuckled to himself.

_Have fun, experiment._

He let his tongue run along her labia, but didn't touch her clitoris. He felt her shivering with desire and knew it was going to happen this time.

He took a moment to look at her vagina, to really take it in, and gently let a finger slide inside of her. She groaned deeply as he slid his finger around inside of her, trying to find her sweet spot. His tongue poked out from his lips, and he bit it firmly as he concentrated, paying acute attention to her every move and sound. And then she suddenly gasped and he knew he had it. He move his finger in a circular motion on the area and she whimpered and moaned her stomach tensing, her back arching slightly. He licked his lips and slowly lowered his mouth to her pussy his tongue wanting to eagerly, quickly lick, but he made himself slow down as he licked her clitoris with his full tongue. He heard her groan loudly; the loudest he'd ever heard and felt her vagina clench around his finger. It was like he had figured out the magic trick that he'd been missing until now. It all made sense; he could see exactly what to do as her body tensed and her moaning grew, he slowly increased his speed. This, by far, was the longest he'd spent down here, and his tongue was getting tired, but he felt like he could spend all night down there listening to the moans he was getting from her. And then suddenly her groans took on a deeper, throaty urgency, and Chop felt his innards soar as he sped up some more. Her vagina clenched around his finger almost violently and her legs started to shake while she groaned loudly, gasping in surprise and pleasure. Chop let himself lap at her eagerly and her groans just got louder, her legs closing around his head.

"Oh my fucking god!" She almost screamed, her back arching and her fingers pulling at his hair painfully. Chop laughed and kept licking for all he was worth, his cock aching for her.

He felt her start to push him away from her sensitive clitoris and he crawled up her body kissing her lips she laced her arms around him as he penetrated her, she gasped and wrapped her legs around him, groaning loudly again as she kissed him eagerly. He had to slow his thrusts down he knew that, but it was so hard. She was so warm and the sounds she was making…

But somehow Chop forced himself to slow down and focused on her mouth, and the way her body was moving.

"Deeper." She breathed and he happily obliged her demands and was rewarded by a guttural groan from her. "Tip your pelvis up." She whispered and he tipped his pelvis into her more and her groan became more urgent. He liked Izzy telling him what to do to please her. He felt her whole body clench around him, her legs, her arms, her cunt as she came again, tears starting to fall down her cheeks, her mouth open, small gasps of pleasure slowly growing into deep groans of pleasure. There was nothing he could do, he was going to cum, she was just too sexy when she came, clinging onto him like that, he sped up, keeping his pelvis tilted the way she liked, making her groan and hold onto him as she rode out the end of her orgasm. He came loudly, deep inside of her.

"I love you." She whispered through tears and gasps of pleasure.

"Oh Izzy," He kissed her lips, "I love you too girl."

Rae enjoyed the warm air whipping her hair around her face.

_I think I'll always like heat waves if I can come to the beach. _

It was midday, and everyone was sleeping except for her and Finn, who had snuck out for a jog. They had stayed up talking until dawn. And they had heard Izzy and Chop have sex three times; Izzy coming loudly each time. The first time three of the four people hearing it had been too happy to hear those moans for any comments to be said, Archie's quip quickly silenced. But, when about 30 minutes later it had started up again, all bets were off and they laughed and joked about it. When the third time came around, they were all too philosophical and stoned to really pay much attention and instead talked about the nature of colours in the dawn sky. They had smoked more cones, drunk more alcohol and watched the sun rise through the caravan windows while it shook slightly as Chop and Izzy fucked again. When Rae and Finn had collapsed into bed, they had both wanted to have sex, but had fallen asleep kissing. Now she watched him running up the beach, his naked chest glistening in the sunlight. He hadn't seen her, wearing her giant shirt and watching him run along the shoreline. He had obviously run out to the neighbouring beach and was on his way back. A girl in a bikini standing ankle deep in the water stopped him and Rae could see from the way she held herself that she was interested in him. He said a few words and then shook his head. She watched the girl back up a little as Finn said a few more words and then shrug. He picked his jogging back up and continued on. She walked slowly out onto the beach, planning on meeting him on the shoreline. He was still far enough away to have not seen her as he kept his face forward. But she watched him, a smile on her face. When he finally saw her he altered his path, a huge grin on his face.

"What you doing here girl?" His hands went to her hips. He saw that she was wearing no bra and stared shamelessly at her breasts.

"Can't sleep without you in the bed." She shrugged. He leaned in and kissed her, his body covered in sweat and his breath still short from the jog. When he stopped kissing her and stared at her face Rae was struck, again, with how much she loved him.

"Good job with Chop." She said as he took her hand and walked towards the water.

"He's the one who did t." Finn shrugged.

"What did you tell him?' Rae asked as she looked up the beach at the bikini clad girl. She was watching them and Rae found that she didn't care.

"Told him what I've learned from you." Finn answered honestly, "from desperately wanting for you to like it and enjoy and… want me." He shrugged self-consciously. She gave him a crooked smile. How could this god-like man standing before her in nothing but board shorts have worried that she wouldn't want him?

"I love you." She said without even realising she'd spoken; the words had simply needed to be said. Every time those words left her mouth Finn felt his insides do strange thing; soar, tingle, catch on fire, clench, melt… everything. He turned to her, taking her face in his hands.

"You are the love of my life Rae. And all the love I possess is yours." He stroked her hair, "everything I am is yours. I'm yours. You can do whatever you want with me." He kissed her lips slowly.

"I think I'd like to frolic in the water with you."

"I were gonna try to do some laps." He laughed. "Frolicking sounds much better." She led him into the water their eyes never parting.

The enormity of the ocean, the gentle swell of the waves, the fact that people were walking on the shoreline… it all added to the deepness of their kisses as they moved around each other in the water He stroked her face, a serious look on his face as they floated in the deep water, drinking each other in.

"I love you Rae. Rachel.' He said seriously. "It's sometimes terrifying how much I love you, cos I'll never be able to come back from this. So if something happens… or something goes wrong. I'll never be alright without you." She was struck by how vulnerable he looked; it was the same vulnerability at the core of her, at the core of her love fro him. But she smiled and stroked his face.

"Nothing's gonna happen." She whispered reassuringly, "Nothing's gonna go wrong." He wrapped her legs around his waist slowly, pulling her close to him and kissed her with his mouth wide open, drawing in as much as her as he could. She loved it when he kissed her this deeply, it felt like he could devour her, like he could taste all of her – the good and the bad, and still keep drinking her. When he stopped kissing her, she could feel his cock pressing against his board shorts and she groaned and shook her head.

"What?" He asked shyly. "How am I supposed to not get hard when you kiss me like that?"

"It's just…" She lowered her eyes, "I'm still not used to being wanted." She raised her eyes to his.

"How could I not want you?" He kissed her in that deep penetrating way and she reached down to free him from his shorts, making him groan with desire and anticipation. His hands travelled up her thighs to her hips and he grinned when he felt that she wasn't wearing underwear of any kind. He slid into her, the gentle waves rocking them as she clung to him and he grasped her arse passionately, his feet finding the ocean floor, making it easier for him to thrust into her. She leaned her head back, her hair dipping into the water, one of his hands travelled up under her shirt to her bare breasts. Rae saw the shoreline; there were people on the beach, a guy walking his dog, the bikini clad babe, a couple jogging. No children, no crowds; they were probably at Skegness water park. Most of the younger crowd would show up to the beach in the afternoon after the big party last night.

The thrill of how public this was filled Rae with delicious fear and she groaned loudly as her body rushed towards orgasm, coming fast, even for her. Finn was happily bewildered by her early but powerful orgasm. He looked at her head rolled back, her hair spread in the water and saw that she had noticed the people and understood.

"You like a bit o' danger." He marvelled. She sat back up, putting her arms around his neck.

"Aye." She whispered to him, "Is that ok?"

"More than ok." He grasped her arse harder and thrust into her as hard as the water wold let him, eliciting delighted gasps from her. "You're gonna come again Rae Nelson." He said authoritatively, "and you're not gonna be quiet about it." She whimpered at his command but nodded her intent to comply. His kissed her deeply, slowly walking her to slightly shallower water, so that anyone looking would have a good inkling of what was happening. Her shirt clung appealingly to her round breasts and he once again felt himself needing to touch them. But only the right breast; she still flinched when he touched her left breast, and he respected her need to not be touched there.

"Look at the people on the shore." He ordered her as he got into a better rhythm, one hand on her arse, the other on her breast. "Do you think any o' them will notice?"

"I dunno." She whimpered breathlessly as she felt his hand creep down to her clitoris. Her eyes returned to his face.

"Watch them." H ordered as soon as she turned her face away a huge smile crept over his face. The joggers where coming closer.

"Finn, get into deeper water." She gasped.

"After you cum." He answered and she whimpered as the joggers approached, fire spreading through her insides. If she came loudly, they'd probably hear. And with that her body clenched into a ferocious orgasm. She moaned loudly and Finn chuckled happily as her head rolled forward onto his chest, her whole body shaking. Finn's eyes scanned the shoreline, he wasn't sure if they'd heard, but they weren't looking either way. He moved them back into deeper water. Rae kissed him deeply, her attraction to danger currently satisfied, her focus on him and making love to him. She thrust herself onto him, enveloping him, making love to him, his arms wrapped around her and they kissed passionately. He let himself drown in her, let himself be lost in her smell and taste, in the feel of her. He let a moment of their lovemaking be all about him and the sensations of his body. He felt his body tingling with excitement; he could feel every single place that she touched him and he felt breathless at the thought of being inside of her. He remembered all the longing and aching he'd done for her, and he just couldn't; believe that she was making love to him in the ocean.

"I love you Rae." He murmured and she whispered the words back to him, making his heart skip a beat. Whenever he thought about it, he couldn't believe this was true, couldn't believe his luck. He let the feeling seep through his innards let the feeling of her enveloping his cock take over his mind and felt his orgasm building painfully good. He groaned loudly his eyes closed, focussed on the feelings in his body. It felt like a river of silver was spreading outward from his groin, up his stomach and down his legs. He felt the familiar tense ache in his balls building, always as if for the first time. Every time she thrust her hips and his cock slid into her it felt like it was meant to be, like a magnetic force existed between them bringing them irresistibly together. He groaned again and opened his eyes to look at her beautiful face, his pleasure intensifying when he looked at her; his groans now coming in time with his breaths as he focussed on the feelings in his cock, the magnetism tingling through his being suddenly stopped and found its focus and tipped into something far beyond pleasure and all he could do was enjoy the feeling of his cum spurting from him in strong pulsating throbs; uncontrollable spasms spreading from his groin through his body, his moans loudly punctuating his pleasure. Rae grinned, knowing that she had done that to him. He collapsed, exhausted after his orgasm and they both sunk under the water. They resurfaced laughing, and he embraced her again.

"Rae.' His voice was low, urgent, he was still panting, "it feels… sacred with you."

"With us." She agreed.

_'Karma Police' by Radiohead_

They walked hand in hand back to the caravan, dripping saltwater the whole way.

"You know." He was speaking happily, "I always imagined that you and me would do a radio show." He grinned, "That only played good music. No shit, and like, no ads." He considered this, "or not too many ads."

"Just the 90s?" She felt out this plan of his.

"No. Best songs of all time." He answered thoughtfully.

"Style, genres?"

"If a song's good, it don't matter what genre it's from." He answered, "Same if it's crap." He shrugged, "No one genre is all bad."

"Except country."

"Johnny Cash." Finn answered.

"He was more rock and roll." Rae answered with a pained expression. Finn grave her a lopsided grin.

"He's known as a country musician." Finn countered with a small shrug.

"Fuck what he's known as." Rae answered snappily, making Finn's grin broaden, "What's he actually? Rock and roll, that's what."

Hey entered the caravan, Archie was frying up some eggs, Izzy sat sleepily at the table, a small wistful smile on her face, Chop was lying with his head on her lap, his eyes closed, grinning. Chloe sat reading a magazine, a pile of buttered bread in front of her; her job obviously done.

" 'Morning all!" Finn said cheerily as he sank into a seat, feeling deeply exhausted. Rae sank down beside him and he put his arm around her shoulders. Chop opened his eyes and looked over at Finn, they exchanged a silent nod of satisfaction; the only acknowledgment their previous conversation would be getting today, and possibly ever.

"You sound far too happy." Archie complained, "I feel like an incubus has taken a crap in my heart."

"You don't do well after drugs do you Arch?" Chloe asked with a straight face.

"Apparently no." He turned with a pan full of fried eggs, "but I don't intend to stop any time soon." He slid the eggs from the pan onto a plate and Chop sat up, putting one on a piece of bread for Izzy, who shook her head.

"Not hungry." She said with a grin.

"And you're too fucking happy too!" Archie told Izzy, who yawned and shrugged in response. Chop made a sandwich and ate it while Finn put together a sandwich for Rae.

"You're just jealous cos you don't scream like that." Chloe grinned at Izzy's blush.

"Yeah you neither." He answered snippily. And they laughed, "But out of the two if us…" Archie said, "One of us has a boy-"

"Alright! Alright!" Chloe laughed.

"How much did you guy's hear?" Izzy's face was scarlet.

"Who gives a fuck?" Chop said happily around his food, "everyone knows that everyone's fucking." He shrugged and Izzy smiled lovingly at him, Rae and Chloe exchanging a grin. Izzy saw the grin and shared it, biting her bottom lip excitedly. The three girls had a silent conversation, agreeing they'd need to get together to discuss what had happened last night. Finn and Izzy both yawned simultaneously and Rae looked concerned at Finn.

"You been pushing yourself a lot the last couple o' days." She commented as Chop rubbed Izzy's inner thigh.

"Aye.' Finn yawned again.

"Don't forget you're having to heal like half of your liver and all that scar tissue, Dr Kraus said it'll take months."

"I know, I'm just sick of being exhausted all the time." He complained.

"I know." She sympathised, "but I think we should just lie about for today, let you rest?"

"Lie about in bed?" He grinned.

"Aye and I'll read Yeats poetry to you."

"I think he were suggesting that rest of us might want to not be in the caravan Rae." Chloe laughed.

I know what he were suggesting, and I'm just telling him that he's gonna be resting." She smiled firmly at Finn and he gave a small groan and nodded his compliance.

"Shower baby girl?" Chop asked and Izzy slowly got up nodding, yawning and stretching all at the same time. He swept her up off her feet and she squealed in surprise, laughing as he carted her off to the shower.

"So us four will either go to the beach or watch movies?" Archie asked Chloe.

"It's nice at the beach." Rae said, "We've already had a bit of a swim." Finn gave her a teasing grin and she flushed slightly.

They sat and ate, planning the next 2 days and laughing at things Chloe read out from her magazine.

Chop reappeared at the door.

"Izzy's got a temperature, I'm taking her home." He declared suddenly, "I'm sorry guys."

"No we understand." Chloe jumped, "We'll help you pack."

"Should we come with you?" Archie asked.

"I don't wanna ruin your time here." Chop said but Izzy appeared behind him in a towel.

"It's only only slightly elevated." She complained, the thermometer in her hand.

"Dr Sharma made it very clear to me that any change in your temperature were to be treated as a life or death situation Izzy."

"But I wanna go back to the beach." She pleaded.

"Girl there's not much I wouldn't do for you. But ignoring your oncologist is one of them."

"We'll come." Finn said as he got up and started packing up the kitchen.

"This is bullshite." Izzy complained.

"Izzy, Chop's right." Rae answered.

They quickly and efficiently packed up the caravan, no one thinking twice about it. Except for poor Izzy, who refused to help and sulked on the longue.

They got into the cars, all agreeing to meet up at the hospital and started out on the 90 minute drive home.

By the time Chop got Izzy to the hospital, her fever was raging and she was coughing up rust coloured phlegm.

_'Up Jumped The Devil' by Nick cave and the Bad Seeds_

Liam opened the door to an empty, stale smelling house.

"So she's fucked off again." He sighed to the empty house. His mother had a habit of taking off for days at a time with whoever was providing whatever she was addicted to at that time. Sometimes it was drugs, sometimes alcohol, sometimes it was good old sex. But it was always something.

When she was sober and clean, she was as good a mum as any other he supposed. But sometimes the devil got in her and she'd disappear for a week. Or two.

He went to the cupboard and got a bottle of vodka out. He lit a cigarette and sucked heavily on it before opening the vodka and taking a good long drink. He felt the booze warm his belly and ignored the burning in his throat as he took another long swig. He swayed slightly, more from exhaustion than drunkenness. During his short stay locked up he'd done nothing but think.

_No sleeping for the evil. _

_I fucked up Rae. Cos I wanted to break her cos she were so strong and perfect._

_And I want to break Chlo cos she so beautiful and vulnerable, so I wanted to see how low I could make her go. _

_What's wrong with me?_

_Sometimes it's like there's something else inside o' me that makes me do these things._

_To them._

_To me._

An image of an absurdly pretty woman kissing him came to his mind; 14 years old and his mother's girlfriend had fucked him. What a way to lose your v-plates.

And then it was his mother yelling at him. Hitting him; the only time she ever did. Telling him it was his fault.

He sucked on the cigarette and held it in his lungs as he swallowed as much vodka as he could in one go. He was feeling a buzz now.

_There's something inside of me that is broken beyond repair._

_That's why I can't change._

_I'm a fuck up._

_Always fucking will be._

He stumbled to his mother's room, looking for some drugs to take. He found her stash in the top of her wardrobe and pulled out a few bottles of nothing interesting until he found something that peaked his interest.

"Oxycodone." He rattled the bottle, "Nice." He paused, knowing that he was getting drunk and taking these with alcohol was a bad idea, even through the beginnings of the drunken haze he had. He shrugged.

_If I die…_

_…well that'll be interesting won't it?_

He fumbled with the child proof lid and got frustrated. He took the plastic bottle through to the kitchen, smoking and drinking on the way. He grabbed the bread knife and hacked into the bottle, cutting his fingers mercilessly as the blade broke through the bottle into the hand that was holding it.

He laughed at the sight of his own blood. And took two of the tablets out of the sawn open bottle, he swallowed them down with vodka and then took the bottle of pills, the vodka and his smokes into the longue room. He fumbled with the radio until he heard a good song, and then he fumbled with the television until he found cartoons, he turned the volume down and danced to the music, his eyes on the tv, a nice buzz spreading through his body. He felt his heartbeat slowing down and he swayed, his mind scrambling like eggs.

_Chlo. Her face like a fire._

_Rae. Her mind like a star._

_Fiery star._

_Starry fire._

_Star fire star fire…._

His mind turned around in circles on itself. He rubbed his face. Or rather, he tried to, but his hand hit the side of his head and he laughed, his heart beat slowing down further as a strange euphoria spread through his whole being. He took another pill biting it between his teeth and tasting the bitterness with a sneer. He took another deep swig of vodka and lit another cigarette, burning his already bleeding hand, but not feeling the pain.

The world became so narrowed, the corner of his eyes blurring into nothingness as he stood swaying to the music and smoking his cigarette down to nothingness. He took another pill with the rest of the vodka, having polished off the whole bottle. He collapsed onto the longue unwillingly; he simply couldn't stand anymore. He sat staring at the cartoons, his fingers bleeding onto the longue. His field of vision narrowed, his breathing slowed, the buzz continued unabated in amongst all the jumbled thoughts in his brain.

His head hit the ground as he fell sideways off the longue, consciousness slipping away from him.

_'Four Seasons in One Day' by Crowded House_

"We got somewhere to be." Gary said softly to Finn. Finn looked up at him.

"I'm not leaving Rae." He answered.

"Janice has volunteered for some girl time. We've got something important to do."

"Course I volunteered for girl time!" Janice grinned at Rae, "I was thinking blue nails this time?" Rae nodded.

"And maybe we can organise that doctor's appointment now?" Rae asked and Janice nodded.

"If you want to?"

"I need to."

It had been a tense few days. Izzy had been diagnosed with pneumonia upon returning to hospital and her devastated immune system was struggling to battle the disease. They only got half an hour to visit her each day, and they never missed it. But it was heartbreaking to watch her waste away, her pale, sometimes lifeless body would lie limply in bed while Izzy's eyes would follow them around the room, her mouth trying to smile when they came. Sometimes she would move, and talk, and cough, of course. These were the better days. These days Chop would guide her for a walk through the ward. Chop never left her side, he slept in the chair in her room. Joe had given him all the leave he needed; he was going nowhere. And the rest of the gang just waited, going crazy wondering what was happening.

"You'll be alright?" He asked her and Rae nodded. "Alright then." He agreed to go with his father. Rae leaned over to kiss him. "I love you girl." He stroked her face.

"I love you." They kissed again.

"Come on!" Gary rolled his eyes and headed for the door. But Finn took his time taking in her face. Every time they parted he took his time to take her face in, as if it would be the last time he saw it. He kissed her again and then left.

Gary had the car idling outside when Finn left the house, putting his leather jacket on; the heat wave was well and truly over.

He looked at his father's grim face as they pulled out of the driveway. They drove in silence for some time until Gary looked at him momentarily and then started to speak in a low voice.

"So I wanted to talk to you about something important. A couple of things actually." Gary said and Finn waited in silence. "I notice that you and Rae are… closer than ever." Gary continued.

"Aye." Finn replied with a defensive tone, not needing another lecture about this stuff from his dad.

"I can see that you love her very much, and she treasures and loves you as much as you deserve." Finn turned his eyes to his father, the unexpectedness of his words made Finn's mind worry about what was coming. "I knew that your mother was the one, and the whole world was against us, you know." He said with a reminiscent smile. "I don't want that to be our relationship." Gary turned into a familiar road and Finn felt a pang of guilt; it had been too long since he had visited his Gran's grave. "But it takes more than love to make a relationship work. So learn from my mistakes son. Don't be silent like me. Don't ruin things because you're scared that what you do won't be the right thing." He pulled the car up in an unfamiliar part of the cemetery. "Learn to speak up. Always speak up." Gary said as he turned to him.

"I am learning that da." Finn smiled calmly, reassuringly.

"Then tell her what your Nan's necklace means." Finn looked down.

"We've said all sorts of things to each other." Finn said softly, "but that necklace is different… I know that… what if it's too much for her?" Finn worried.

"What did I just say?' Gary asked, "Don't be forced into inaction because you're worried about whether what you want to do is the right thing or not. Be a man. Be a complete man with flaws. And if Rae is half the woman I think she is, she will love your flaws as well. Let yourself make mistakes. And if this is too much too soon for her, you'll figure out a way through it. And if it's not too much too soon, then you be a real man and you keep to your word, and your promise to her for the rest of your life." Finn fidgeted with his fingers and slowly nodded his head.

"Aye." He said softly, thinking on what his father had said.

"And if you don't mean what that necklace implies and you've just been making grand gestures that are ultimately hollow, and saying empty words of love to her, then you really don't deserve her. And you're not the young man I thought you were."

"I love Rae with all of my being da." Finn said firmly.

"Good." Gary answered, "Cos I like her." Finn shook his head but smiled wanly.

They sat in silence for a while. Finn thinking about what his father had said.

"The other thing I wanted to talk about is Grace and your mother." Gary broke the silence after a while. He got out of the car and Finn followed him as he walked into the cemetery, stopping at a grave with fresh flowers. Finn's breath caught as he looked down at the headstone.

It was Grace's grave.

"I come here every couple of days." Gary said as he brushed the top of the grave off, cleaning everything methodically and carefully. "But I didn't put these flowers here." Finn's mind scrambled to think who else would be putting flowers on Grace's grave.

"Mum?"

"I don't know." Gary said as he finished up and touched the earth above where his daughter laid. "But I can't think of anyone else." Finn crouched down beside him and touched the grassy earth of Grace's grave. "I've never tried to find out." Gary said. "I've waited seven years for your mother to come back to me." Gary stood up and looked down on the grave, "I respected her need to have time away. I believed her when she wrote I that letter that she wold come back if she ever got well." He watched as Finn traced over the words on Grace's grave. "But I'm starting to think… You know, there were so many things on that letter that were wrong… why should I believe that she will come back?" Finn stood up and looked at his father.

"Da, I know you said that you keep your word to her for the rest of your life… but I think that… in this case…." Finn didn't want to tell his father to just move on; he understood the loyalty. But he did want his father to be happy; not lonely.

"What I mean is… that I think… if you don't mind." Gary looked intently at him, "I think we should try to find your mother."

Finn's train of thought stopped dead. For some reason he had never considered this to be an option. What would he even say to her? Finn felt tears threatening and he looked away from his father.

"Don't answer now. Have a bit of a think, and get back to me. Ok?"

"Yeah alright." Finn's mouth felt numb, "I'll have a think."

_'Into My Arms' by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds_

The tears only stopped when she was conscious. When she lay unconscious like this there were always tears. Sometimes she had pipes down her throat; to force feed her. Sometimes oxygen masks or piping under her nose. There were sometimes drips and machines making beeping noises. Right now she just had oxygen under her nose and a drip. When she was last awake she had complained bitterly and starting crying about all the crap sticking out of her and Dr Sharma had agreed to take some away if she agreed to calm down. Chop took her cold hand and cried. She was always cold now. He rubbed her fingers between his hands and tried not to see how pale she was. Eventually he put his head down onto the bed and wept.

"Chop?"

"Izzy?" He shot his head up and looked at her, gently stroking her cheek.

"Chop." She said weakly, but urgently, "Chop listen to me." She reached up and touched his face, wet with tears, "Arnold." She whispered lovingly, "You should leave. I might not survive this." She kept her eyes on his, her honesty heartbreaking, "You should go."

"No." He answered simply," and when she slowly opened her mouth to protest he shook his head, "It don't matter what you say. I'm staying."

"But if I were well it would be ok that you were staying with me. But I'm sick and-"

"And it don't matter if you're well or sick, Izzy. I'm always yours; I will always be here for you. No matter what." He paused for emphasis.

"Chop…" Her breath rattled slightly, terrifying Chop. But he took a steadying breath and continued.

"And you're gonna live through this and I'm gonna help you beat it."

"But if I die…" She answered sadly.

"If you…" But Chop couldn't say the word. "If you…" He lowered his eyes, his voice dropping to a barely audible breath, "die…" Just saying that word made him feel defeated. He fought that feeling; "Izzy. If you die. Then I will fucking be at your side to kiss you goodbye." She sniffed, tears gently crawling down her cheeks as Chop tried not to sob, tears still leaking from his eyes.

"I love you Arnold." She said softly and motioned for him to come closer.

"I love you Isabella." He leaned in closer and she kissed him. He stroked her face as he kissed her. He savoured it, wanting to remember every little thing. This felt like his last kiss. It felt like a goodbye.

"I wish I could see the sun rising from here." She said wistfully as she looked at the window of her room on the other side of the room. Finn looked at the drip. The IV was on a poll that could be wheeled around. The oxygen could be wheeled too.

"Alright." He said to her and gently scooped her out of her bed, her blankets still wrapped around her. Izzy reached out and dragged the drip, while Chop gently scooted the oxygen along with his feet. He stood in front of the window and Izzy turned her face to the rising sun. He stood in silence, watching the side of her face, memorising everything about he as she stared out at the sunrise.

"I'm glad that you're staying." She said guiltily. "It might be harder for you. But better for me." She admitted, still staring at the sunset, "I want you to be the last thing I ever look at Chop." She said resolutely. "If I have to die, I want you to be the last thing I see." She turned her eyes to him.

"Alright." He could barely speak, his throat closed up with emotion. "But you have to promise to fight with everything you got Izzy to stay with me."

"I do promise that Chop." She turned her eyes back to the sunrise. It wasn't the most beautiful sight, the sun rising over the hospital car park. But it was perfect for Izzy, who just wanted to see the sun, to feel it on her skin again. Only a few days ago she had been at the beach and Chop had given her her first orgasms. Now she felt weak, her lungs heavy and unwilling to breathe, her whole body ravaged by disease.

And Chop felt her head collapse against his chest. He sat in the chair near the window, her body curled up in his arms, and cried bitterly. But she did not stir.


End file.
